Torn

Lately I've been thinking about my future and kind of what I want to do with my life. WHAT?! That's right I've been thinking about my future. This must come as a big surprise to most of you because you know my opinions on the future, and the lame things I want to do with my life, but its been on my mind a lot lately. Obviously I've thought about my future job, how I want to live my life, what I want to do with my life, career ext. All that normal future good stuff. The one thing though that has really been on my mind is the question of East Coast or West Coast.

East Coast: My heart has always been on the east coast. I went to the east coast as a child, my dad is from the east coast, part of me just loves it there, the history, the beauty, all of it. Plus many of my sports teams are east cost.

I mean look at that! They have REAL fall! They have REAL winter! Yeah some of their weather is a pain in the butt but I've never had pain in the butt weather (other than heat). 

West Coast: I live on the west coast now, I've grown up on the west coast. That means obviously my heart is here too because this is where I've grown up.

(that's ^ pretty much our winter AND summer)

I know that I don't have to make this decision now, I have a LONG time until I have to decide but I cant help but think about it. I'm torn, I've never been this concerned about something like this. East Coast or West Coast?

2 Year Goal Update #1

Remember this 2 year goal of me ridding my bike down to the Laguna area and hopefully making it a huge deal (considering its 300+ miles) to be able to meet McKayla Maroney? Well here's an update on how its going.

I've been doing OK, but not as great as I would like. I went through some stuff, and that made me take about a 2+ week break from training. That my friends adds up let me tell you that, but I have gotten back into it. I just started these past few days, so I'm working on it.

I've been really blessed to have people who are willing to support me with this goal. A few friends have asked if they could come along, I get text messages of encouragement when I tell people I'm exercising, when I ask for motivation they give it. Its just been a really good experience for myself. Heck the other day a friend told me that they were encouraged by what I was doing, and that made them start to want to get into better shape.

Thank you to all who have been helping me with this exercise, its been really important to me. I am truly blessed.                          

           

                                   

 

Mechanic Please

I have this theory about life, or well I guess you can call it an analogy. I think of life as a car, things run smoothly until you hit a rough patch and your car starts to mess up. At that point the car is broken (Meaning you as a person are kind of down, going through some sort of struggle, ext.) and you need to fix this car. Imagine your car is an older model and you know how to fix it. So what do you do when your car breaks? You try to fix it, BY YOURSELF. Obviously right?

Now you've tried fixing your car (getting out of this struggle by yourself), but you just cant. What do you do now after trying so hard and for so long to fix it yourself? That is when you call the mechanic (a friend, family member, ext) to help you fix it (get out of the struggle).

I've always been that person that tries to fix my car on my own because I think being able to look back and see that I fixed that all by myself is something to be proud of, but right now I think I'd rather call a mechanic and lose some of that pride than have to replace this car.

Amazing Friends

I know I talk about this a lot, about how I have the most amazing friends in the world. I just I cant get over it. I mean these people mean the world to me. I've never been really good at making and keeping close friends but these people I love and never ever want to leave me. I mean they have made the biggest impact in my life and I don't want to imagine my life without them. What got me thinking about this was that Phillip Phillips song thats popular right now, Home.

"Hold on, to me as we go as we roll down this unfamiliar road."
I mean we are all going down this "unfamiliar" road we call life, and it means the world to me to know that I have these friends that I can hold onto and lean on while going through all this, while going through life. I know that I have people that I can trust with everything, friends that I can lean on when things get rough. I mean we are all going through it, we might as well hold onto each other and go through it together.

"The trouble it might drag you down If you get lost, you can always be found"
I think that's what friends are supposed to be there to do, to find you when you're lost. I know for a fact that my friends HAVE and WILL do that whenever I need it (which seems to be a lot actually). I mean friends are always there for each other, and will be there when you're lost, they'll find you and bring you back.

"Just know you’re not alone Cause I’m going to make this place your home"
In my friendships we really aren't alone. We might feel like it at some points, but we aren't and we never will be. We stand by each other through all of it whether it be anger, sadness, or anything else, we are always there for each other. We often check up on each other to see how things are going. We aren't alone, and we make sure we know this.

I've been blessed with amazing people, that I know are always here for me, and I hope to God they know that I'm always here for them.

2 Year Goal

Right now I am trying to get into shape for a few reasons let me give you an idea of why I would do this crazy thing. This list is in order of least important (#1) to most important (#3).

1. Because I'm lazy and unhealthy and its good for me.
2. I want to go to the Olympics. Qualify at least. (Good goal for me right? Makes me laugh every time.)
3. So I can ride my bike 340 miles from my home town to Laguna Niguel, CA McKayla Maroney's home town.

This sounds crazy right?! Well, it is. But its one of my goals in life to me her. Its one of my crazy goals in life and to reach a crazy goal you have to do something crazy. I mean this isn't unreasonably crazy right? Maybe the meeting her part is kind of crazy but the bike ride isn't. Right? Please tell me I'm right? Plus I just want to meet her. Its not like I'm those creepy guys who want to marry her. I just want to meet her, have a conversation with her, take a picture, thank her for being an inspiration and maybe have a glass of water and a meal with her. Thats not an unreasonable request right?! I mean I'll have rode my bike 340 freaking miles in the freaking heat! Come on thats the least she can do for me!

To meet the crazy goal of meeting McKayla Maroney I have to do something crazy such as ride my bike 340 miles.

So McKayla Maroney watch out because in 2 years I'll be riding my bike down to Laguna Niguel to meet you.

**I'll keep you all updated throughout the training**

Olympic Obsession

You remember how I told you I LOVED the Olympics? Yeah? Well I still love them and every year the love  continues to grow and grow, and every year I find a new Olympian that I love. 2008 was Shawn Johnson, now this year, 2012 is, you guessed it, another gymnast. Its McKayla Maroney! Woo yeah! Pro vaulter, great at everything else, gold and silver medalist, has her own meme, and from interviews is just down right hilarious!

Now its not just her I like, I like all of them, heck I just like the sport of gymnastics in general. Every year though I pick a gymnast that I stand behind and hope for them to go to the Olympics in the next 4 years and right now that one is McKayla. (actually I'd love for most of them to go).

I don't do gymnastics and I thank god that I don't because I could never do any of that stuff. Mad props to all you gymnasts out there! But any way the goal of the Olympics is to "Inspire a generation." every year they do that. Every Olympic year they do that, and the team that does that for me is always the gymnastics team.

Thats all I wanted to say. I just wanted the world to know how much I love gymnastics, McKayla Maroney, and all the other amazing girls on the team. Thank you for once again inspiring a generation.

"Its not just like a puppy you want for Christmas...its the Olympics." -McKayla Maroney

Camp Camp Camp!!!

Hey guys, guess what this week was! That's right it was SUMMER CAMP! Woop-de-woop! I love camp, and its such a blessing to be able to go up, and make friends, but more importantly hang out with and grow closer to God. So let me just give you an overview of what we did each day because really that's not even the best part.

Sunday: We got to camp, ate dinner, hung out, went to chapel, cabin time ext.

Monday: Monday we split into our groups and had some team competitions which were a lot of fun.

Tuesday: Tuesday was pond day! We all went down to lower pond did some more team games, and had a ton of fun with that.

Wednesday: Wednesday was water day! It was also a fun time. We got to play with water balloons, play in the pool, just fun activities like that.

Thursday: Thursday was one of my favorite days. Thursday was MUD DAY!!! We all walked down to the mud pit and played volley ball, tug of war, and other games like that.

Now I'm going to get to the more important things like what I learned and the chapel time, things like that.

So every morning after breakfast we got up and did morning worship at the fire circle and after that we did a thing called Solo Time where we would split off and be by ourselves, read verses, reflect, pray, all that amazing stuff. Then in the evening we would go to chapel, do our worship, have a sermon, and go off to cabin time to reflect with your cabin mates about what we learned.

The theme for camp this summer was "Corner Stone." Our speaker Jay (Who I've heard speak for 2 years, and whos band played this winter and summer) talked about how God needs to be our corner stone, he talked about how if God wasn't our corner stone, the foundation on which we build our lives, then things will come crashing down. God needs to be the center of our life if he is going to be the corner stone.

We also talked about how each persons relationship with Christ is extremely and beautifully unique, but we also talked about how community is so needed. We are not meant to be alone. "Thinking the only team you're on is your own, that's a LIE." -Jay Kim. We learned that yes, our lives and relationships with God are so amazingly unique but that when all our uniqueness comes together we can become something awe inspiring.

Finally we talked about if Christ really is our corner stone we should be able to jump off this "ledge" to take these leaps that God is calling us to because with him we can do it, and even if we have fear about it, that fear will turn into an amazing exhilaration.

We also did a special thing called "Extinct." It was about things that we should be extinct in the world but are not (IE: Human Trafficking, hate, things like that). I and a few others went to the one on hate, and most of the others went to the one on human trafficking. This experience touched us so much more that I expected. In the seminar on hate we heard one of our main camp leaders stories about his friend who he always picked on. The one on human trafficking REALLY got to a lot of my friends and touched them so deeply. All of this got to all of us.

After the seminar my church went to this spot to look at the stars and reflect on this. Man did things get amazingly emotional. I say amazingly because what happened that Wednesday night was something that has never really happened with all of us before. We opened up to each other fully and completely. We had community and fellowship, and God worked through us in so many amazing ways that night.

Overall the week was not only amazingly fun but it was such a growing experience. We not only grew closer as a group but closer to God both individually and as a group. My hope is that all of us accept Jason's Challenge that now that we are back home we will NOT go back to our old ways but instead continue to hold each other accountable and grow closer and closer to God. I'm ready to C-O-M-Commit to not only each other but to God.

A Little More About Me

I just realized I have never really told you a lot about me, my personality, who I am, what I like, ext. I'll give you a little more info about who I am.

• I have problems with people. People and I have a bit of a love/hate relationship  
• I have a lot of secret obsessions, but I also have a lot of open obsessions. 
•  I'm a lot more emotional than I like to admit 
• My favorite color is green, but NOT lime green 
• I don't open up to people very often 
• I've been through a lot and I still go through a lot I just don't show it  
• I like to deal with things by myself. Its very rare for me to ask for help 
• I'm cocky but also extremely self conscious
• I don't have any special skills 
• I LOVE snicker doodles 
• I love kittens and puppies 
• I think Mac 'N Cheese can be eaten all day every day 
• Knock off brand can be just as good or better than name brand 
• I hate talking to people in person, I would much rather write a letter 
• I have the most amazing friends in the world and I never will be able to let them know how important they are
• I have strong opinions and I will let you know about them
• There is a lot more to me than you would think. You might think you know me but chances are you don't 

Olympic Love

If you didn't know I am a huge Olympic fan. I am literally obsessed. I remember at the 2008 Olympics I would stay up until 4 in the morning watching it. My headphones would be in, my light would be off, and I'd be glued to the Tv. I'm so stoked for these Olympics, but I do have some opinions.

Let's start with the opening. I totally support what London did this year, it showed their history and backstory and all that stuff. Cool that they are taking pride in their country. I though was not a huge fan of it. I thought it was a little confusing and not super interesting. Like I said though it was unique.

Next let me talk a little bit about swimming. I've always loved swimming, and I used to be a swimmer when I was younger so I have this unrealistic dream that I could have been there. My brother is a swimmer too so my family has a love for the event. This year the biggest swimmers are Michael Phelps like always, and Ryan Lochte. At this point I think Ryan has more potential than Michael. Yes, I did just say that. Let's face it though, Michael wasn't supposed to go to these Olympics, he didn't plan on coming, it was a last minute desicion (or in Olympic training time). I think Ryan has huge potential because he trained, and he came prepared. I'd love to see the head to head rivalry between them though.

Beach volleyball. I love beach volleyball and of course Misty May and Kerri Walsh are the team I love and the team to beat. They haven't lost a single game in their Olympic career. You think that's impressive? What if I told you they haven't lost a single set in their Olympic career. Haven't lost a single set?! Mind blown!!! They also weren't planning on coming back this year. I think Kerry got married and had a kid recently, but they came back. I still think they are the team to beat, but they won't breeze through as easily as they normally do.

Now gymnastics. Oh gymnastics I have a secret love for you. That was the main event that would keep me up until 3. I would focus on women's gymnastics. Shawn Johnson you amazing woman where have you gone? Why must you injure yourself in a skiing accident for your birthday?! I'm her #1 fan. I'm still extremely bitter about her not going, and Nastia Liukin isn't even going. Who am I supposed to root for now?! Oh thats right, "The Fab 5!" This year I've realized I have to get past my love for Shawn and find someone new. Maybe Jordyn Wieber. Who knows?

Olympics you are always dear to my heart, and I will continue to root and watch you. USA USA USA!!!! (And yes I did just write an entire super long blog about my Olympic love). USA USA USA!!!

Little Confused

So, I've been a little confused lately. I've been confused with the normal stuff, life, like everyone else. I've also been confused about what has been going on with me and some of my friends lately.

There has been some suspicion surrounding me and the state that I'm in right now, lots of conflicting ideas about how I've been doing and feeling. I just kind of want to clear the air about this because the worry some people have is much more than it should be so here is whats going on.

Yes, Jesus and I haven't been doing so hot lately, but that's normal and it happens to everyone. That's about it. I've been flustered with that and trying to deal with the people who are worried, trying to tell them that its nothing to worry about.

That's it, no big deal, do not worry, people have taken things the wrong way. I am fine.

Weekend Recap

So in my last post I talked about "Welcome Week"  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. That means in this post I will talk about Friday, Saturday, and Sunday! This one might be a little crazy because we did a lot those few days.

Friday: Friday started off with me waking up to go buy a new phone. I went to go visit a friend who is cleaning out their abandoned for rent house. Later that day she came over, we dug for dinosaurs using one of the random toys she found, we swam, we watched TV, and we hung out. Later we rode our bikes down to the Farmers Market to meet up with the rest of the youth group. It was a ton of fun just to all hang out and wonder around.

Saturday: OH MARTHA! Let me tell you about Saturday! Saturday started off with me waking up at 6 so that I can get ready to go to Magic Mountain!!! It was so much fun. It was extremely hot and tiring but it was so worth it. We got on quite a few rides considering how many people there were. We got on Tatsu, Scream, Colossus, Goliath, X2, and the swings. We actually got stuck on Goliath on the way up to the huge drop. Plus, even though I've rode X2 many times the fire has never worked, but this time it did! It was just over all an amazing day filled with fun and friends.

Sunday: Girl what chu know about Sunday?! I actually don't know a lot because I was so tired I had no clue what was going on. All I remember was me sitting in church not paying attention, us trying to figure out where to go for lunch, Jamie both sleeping on me and also falling into my lap as John attacks her, me saying very awkward things, a sandwich, sitting in a Mexican restaurant with my best friends, and getting ice cream for National Ice Cream Day!

It was an amazing week, and an amazing weekend, I hope that the rest of the summer continues to be this great!

Now enjoy some more photos:

                 

    

Amazing Week With Amazing Friends

So, I have had one of the most eventful weeks I've had in a long time. This week at church is our "Welcome Week" where we welcome all the new incoming 7th graders and Freshman. That means this week is full of fun events and outings with all the people I love!

Monday was a pretty uneventful day actually, I slept, ate a lot of food (Otter Pops to be more specific), slept some more. I did end up having a friend come over and watch Pretty Little Liars with me, a show which many of us are addicted to now.

Tuesday was calm for the most part. More sleep, more eating (Otter Pops again), hung out with my youth pastor, met our friends kitten, and got ready for some friends to come over. Later that evening some of my best friends came over to watch Masterchef, a show I didn't mean to get them addicted to. After the show ended we hung out and tried to go to this new grilled cheese place but our friend lied about the closing time! Its ok though, we went over to Sonic, and the guy was extremely rude to me. It was a very relaxed and enjoyable evening.

Wednesday consisted of me waking up much earlier than I usually do so that I could go on our 2nd Annual 7/11 Bike Ride! We all meet up and ride our bikes to some of the 7/11's around us for free Slurpee's. After the bike ride we went back to the church office and hung out for a long time, went to Starbucks and continued to hang out. Later that evening I went back to the church office for a night of games and meeting new people! Then a friend spent the night and we watched more Pretty Little Liars.

Thursday, or today, consisted of more sleep, more Otter Pops, and more Pretty Little Liars. Then at dinner time one of my amazing friends came over, I made her dinner, and we just hung out. Then a bunch of us went bowling! I must say some of us are very good, and some of us are very bad, but we are a group of good sports who can make fun of ourselves and laugh at our horribleness. After bowling we all went out to dinner and hung out for hours just talking, telling jokes, and singing (Which we do every time we go out, its required.) After that a few of us went to Teazer's which was a lot of fun just to hang out and talk.

I'm so stoked for the rest of the week! Bike ride tomorrow (we love to bike) Magic Mountain on Saturday, and church on Sunday! More excitement awaits.

Taken Advantage Of Friendships And Moving

So a lot has been going on over the past few weeks to a month, and its kind of driving me a bit crazy. Yesterday I found out that a very good friend of mine was moving. Over the past year I have had 2 people move, 1 attempt to move, a 4th getting ready to move, and countless amounts of people fall out of my life. Its been really difficult for me because all of these people are the people I'm closest to.

Funny how this works, funny how God works. I don't know if this is his sense of humor, or what but it drives me crazy. Over the past I don't know, six months maybe I've been very very very out of my faith, and my relationship with it has been,  in my opinion, very dull and boring. The other day I asked him to shake things up, give me some excitement, make me remember why I believe what I believe. (I feel like that's a horrible thing to think but emotionally being where I was it made sense at the time). Then that happened, I found another very important person in my life was leaving. 

All this movement though got me thinking. (Surprise right?! I was actually thinking, and thinking of something other than food, sleep, and Lauren Conrad). Any way, I was thinking about how important these people and my friends are to me, and it made me realize that I have taken advantage of them. It made me realize that I don't think the people I care about most, and love most know how much I actually love and care about them. I take advantage of their friendships by doing nothing to show how much they mean to me. Last night I was very emotional, about the whole moving thing but I got a phone call, a phone call that I really needed. It was a good friend of mine calling to tell me that she had an amazing day with me, and it made her happy that all the crap that had gone on earlier in the year was the last thing on her mind. She took the time to actually call me, and have a conversation with me being totally and completely open about it, and that is something I almost never do. Funny how one thing can make you realize so many other things.

I think this, once again, is Gods way of telling me to get out of my comfort zone. It happened last time someone moved, and its happening again. He's telling me "Hey you wanted me to shake things up in your life? Well I can shake them up bad. Trust me It'll be good though." Its time for me to get out of my comfort zone, be more in depth, emotional, and loving towards my friends, and trust that all the crazy shit thats happening right now will eventually bring my faith into a better place.

Mountain Trip!

"Oh Yosemite how I love you so.
 Everywhere I look I see the glorious work of the Lord"

Today a bunch of my friends and I went up to Yosemite to hike Vernal Falls. It was a cute little girls bonding type trip.  It was so much fun! I got to hang out with my best friends in the entire world and be at one of the most beautiful places ever. It was just amazing. Let me just tell you that the hike is not an easy hike. Its very steep and uphill but I survived!!!

I love going to the mountains. Its just so easy to see Gods amazing work, and all the beauty he created. Its just super mind blowing. Plus to be able to experience that with my best friends...Even better!

"Yosemite with some very important ladies :)"

Its a really great experience, I recommend that you do it sometime eventually.

VBS 2012 Day 3

Its day 3! Time has gone by so quickly, I only have 1 more day with these kids. Today one of our kids didn't come but we got a new one so that was good.

We had a lot of fun today. Bible study was good, they talked a little more than usual. Then snack time, thats always great. We had craft time after that, and they really like the crafts. Then movie time, which once again they were really shy, and us leaders had to answer most of the questions but that was ok. Last we had the game. Today was a water game, and at first they didn't want to play with the water but about 5 min. in they were soaking wet!

Its really good to see them come out of their shells. A lot of the kids are talking to each other, to us leaders, giving us high fives, and hugs, its really great! Today for no reason one of the little girls came running up to me and gave me a hug and her grandpa said to me "I think she's really warming up to you." It was just an amazing feeling to think that those kids are getting used to and trusting me.

Every day they have a new theme and todays was "No matter what people do trust God" and the kids never really echo the theme when they are asked what it was, but today I saw a lot of our kids say it so that was great! Its been amazing to see all of them grow over the past 3 days, and I really hope I see more of that tomorrow.

VBS 2012 Day 2

So its day 2 of VBS and its going great! The kids are a little more out of their shells than they were yesterday (They weren't super shy yesterday). Its kind of funny actually. During Bible Time they are kind of shy, during snack they are great, during craft they are great, during the movie time you can't even get them to say a word, then during game time they are all over the place!

They are really some great kids. All of them are starting to warm up to each other and us leaders. We watch this movie that I think the kids enjoy, and its about a Chipmunk that tells us no matter *Insert theme of the day* Trust God! This might sound really lame, but I think that movie is hilarious, and none of the kids do.

Anyway, its been a good 2 days, 2 more to go, and I know there is so much more to come!

VBS 2012 Day 1

This year I am helping out with Vacation Bible School for the second year in a row. This should be a surprise because of my love hate relationship with kids (I actually really love them...a lot). Once again I got the youngest group of kids, our group name is the Butterfly's (So cute right?!).

This year it is a group of 5, and all of them are girls! Its really great! They are hands down some of the cutest kids I've ever seen. At first they were super shy, but once we started snack and games they came completely out of their shells! Some of the kids in my group this year I actually had last year, so I can kind of predict what they will be like.

Once again its only the first day and I have already fallen head of heels for these kids. The excitement I have for the rest of the week is indescribable and not even funny. I love my partners, I love the kids, I love all of it! I'm so excited to see God work in these kids and hopefully in me and all the other leaders too!

Summer 2012!

So, its summer time and I'm very happy. Its actually been summer for about a week for me, but thats ok, I can still blog about it. I love the summer, not so much the weather but more the fact that I don't have to do anything but be lazy and hang out with friends. I want to start off by talking about what I've done so far this summer.

I'm only a week into summer and I've already: gone to the beach, spent more than 1 night at a friends house, went to a party, played Frisbee, gone swimming, stayed out late, invited friends over, and eaten countless Otter Pops. Tonight though, I stayed up late and looked back at last summer and how amazing it was! Hands down last summer was my favorite summer of all. I honestly don't know if any summer could be better than last summer, but you never know.

This summer I have a bit of a bucket list that I would hopefully like to complete at some point or at least cross off most things. Here is the list:

1. Go to the beach. CHECK! Ideally I would like to go at least once but we'll see how the rest of the summer works out. 

2. Go to the Mountains I like just going up to the lake and spending a day there. 

3.Participate in #impulseWednesday  I made up a day called impulse Wednesday, its one day out of the week (Wednesday) Where you just do something impulsive. 

4. Tone my arms. Yeah, I'm weak sauce and I would like to tone my arms this summer...

5. Get tan. Yeah, I'm pale too

6. Midnight Premire BATMAN HERE I COME!!!!!!! 

7. Bike Ride. My bike gang hasn't gone on an official summer bike ride yet! Must happen soon! 

8. Picnic. I've been wanting to go on a picnic, like a good picnic since March! 

9. Look At The Stars. Yeah, sounds lame but I really want to just hang out with friends and look at the stars. 

10. Sunset /Sunrise Either or would be totally fine, I just want to watch them with someone. 

11. Hang Out With Friends. This one is probably the most important one to me. All I want to do this summer is hang out with my friends as much a possible.I want to surround myself with people I love and people who love me, and just spend the summer being with them. 

I'm super excited to see how this summer goes. I'm going to have a complete list on one of those tab things up at the top of my page (right underneath my title) so to see what I have planned and what I have done, go and check it out. SUPER STOKED!!!! 

People Problem

I have this problem with people where when I start to get close to them everything falls apart. That has happened to me a lot lately in the past year and especially in the past few months. It seem like the people I love and don't want to lose the most are always the people I tend to lose. I'm one of those people that blames everything on myself so to me all of this is my fault, everything that has happened to make me lose them...my fault losing them is my fault, and I beat myself up for it. I want to stop losing people and part of me feels like I should just stop meeting people because I know I'll just lose them.

Church Visits!

Well, today I went and visited a new church and man was it an experience! Uhm if you didn't know this recently I've been a little out of my faith, and just kind of all over the place with it so I decided I needed to do something about it. I love my church, don't get me wrong, I love it but it just hasn't been the same lately and I haven't been growing in my relationship with God. So, recently I met some new friends and they invited me to church and I thought "Well since I have been kind of looking for a new church I could give this a try I mean I'll know people so that's good and maybe it'll help me."

Now, I go to a small church with a small group of people (Its a big day if we have 25 people there) and its good being small. I'm very close with all of them and I love everyone of them with all my heart but like I said, things haven't been the same. This church was HUGE like there were so many people it was a little overwhelming. BUT there was some good, actually a good amount of good.

I LOVE worship. That might come as a surprise because 1. I can't sing for the life of me and 2. I am a little ashamed of my voice and don't sing in front of people. I loved the worship at this church, it was loud, they were great songs, and everyone was super into it. I also have a bit of an attention problem so its really difficult for me to listen to and grasp long sermons (which is what the sermons at my church usually are) fortunately the ones at this church were short, sweet, got right to the point, and hit the heart.

I really liked this church, I did. I liked 1. the worship and 2. the short sermons. This was a good experince for me, and I think I might start attending it more.

Hope And A Wrecking Ball

This song completely describes me right now, both of them do. Please take a listen, they're really good songs, and this is a really good band . (Its not Relient K this time! Surprised?)

"Save My Life" By: The Sidewalk Prophets

"Tell me what I need to hear, tell me that I'm not forgotten"  

"Behind this smile I'm just like you. Afraid and tired and insecure"

"Right now I need a little hope I need to know I'm not alone" 

"Show me there's a God who can be more than I've ever wanted"

"If you look me right in the eye would you see the real me inside would you take the time to save my life?" 

"Wrecking Ball" By: The Sidewalk Prophets 

This is what I need right now 

"I need to rip out this old tree"

"I've tried so hard to pull them out on my own they take the best of me"

"I need a wrecking ball slamming inside my heart breaking me all apart. Tearing the old away. Killing the fear in me until I can finally breath." 

"You long for me to see when I get lost along the path you will fight to bring me back." 

"Take it all let me fall into your hands" 

I apologize for all these songs, but I have found so many songs that can describe me right now that I just had to share. 

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

Well, this blog might be a little confusing and I want to apologize ahead of time for that. So lately I've been a little strange and confusing actually I've been off and on like that for probably at least 6 months. I've been in this weird  "phase" for a while and it can change me into a person that I'm actually not.

I get into these weird phases and I become am person that I'm not. I use this other me as a defense mechanism, its like my personal wall that people unfortunately think is me. I have become known as this "wall Chelsea" the fake Chelsea. I just don't want people to know who I am and where I am because then you'll see the "soft" Chelsea, the Chelsea that is in a place in her life that she is ashamed of and the sad state that shes in.

I can pinpoint the times in my life that have brought me into these phases, I can see the lines that I crossed, I can relive all of that in my mind, those are the moments I wish I could take back. I'm sorry that all of you know the horrible person I become and became when I get into these "phases" because that's not me. Unfortunately I'm living my life in that phase, as that Chelsea.

I'm sorry that its taking so long for me to show the real me, and become the real Chelsea. I never ever wanted to be this person, but I've been given multiple chances to get out of this fake Chelsea, I just need to start taking them. I'm sorry, I really am.

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" Relient K

" 'Cause I don't want you to know where I am 'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state its ever been. This is no place to try and live my life."

"I'm sorry for the person I became I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change I'm ready be sure I never become that way again 'cause who I am hates who I've been." 

"Who I've been only ever made me." 

Its just a really good song that REALLY kind of describes me right now. Take a really good listen to the lyrics and then you'll start to understand whats happening and why I'm this way. 

I'm Afraid

Right now I'm very afraid. I'm afraid that what I've done and said has ruined everything.

• I'm afraid that what I said has made you hate me 
• I'm afraid that what I did has made you hate me 
• I'm afraid that I've lost a friend that meant the world to me 
• I'm afraid that the way I treated you has ruined everything between us 
• I'm afraid that what we used to have is now gone 
• I'm afraid that you have so much anger towards me that you cover it up with love so that I don't know what to think 

I just don't know what to do. I just feel like I've lost you because of the stupid things I said and did. I regret those things everyday, every time I see you, all the time. I so often wish I hadn't of done what I did and I just pray to God that you can forgive me and just tell me if things between us are gone, or broken. I am afraid, but I will ALWAYS ALWAYS love you.

Life In Music

Music is a huge part of most everyone's lives. It puts our emotions, thoughts, and feelings into words when we can't. I just wanted to show my life recently in music, so take a listen.

"I Need You" By Relient K 

I kind of put this as my relationship with God, me needing him so much more than I know now or ever will. My favorite part is when they say:

"I have not been abandoned no I have not been deserted and I have not been forgotten." 

It cries out for me "Someone someone please sine a light into the black wade through the depths and bring me back" 

"Forgiven" By Relient K 

It kind of talks about how "We're all guilty of the same things" but "I know that I have been forgiven"

I have a tough time controlling myself. My thoughts, my words, my actions but "I know that I have been forgiven, and I just hope you can forgive me too."  

"Devastation And Reform" By Relient K 

I can honestly relate to this song. It talks about "I feel like I was born for devastation and reform" Kind of like we can be doing so well in life and then it can all fall apart. But also "Thank you God for giving me the insight so that I might make these wrongs right...'cause failure is a blessing in disguise." It also talks about our sinful nature, going back to that over and over. For me it reminds me of my past, "Its taking me down a road, a road down which I swore I'd never go...I sit thinking of God knows what...'Cause I've got enough problems without creating more." 

"Faking My Own Suicide" By Relient K 

We've all been there. 

"Bite My Tongue" By Relient K 

As you know I have a tough time controlling what I say so this song an totally relate to me. I just need to listen and "Bite My Tongue...Because sometimes I say things that I wish I could take back" 

"I Shall Believe" By Matt Brouwer 

This is actually a Sheryl Crow song, with some lyrics changed for this version. This is just a really good song, and kind of brings me to the place where I need to be. 

"I know you're on to me that I only come home when I'm so alone, but I do believe." Totally sums me up right there! I hate to say it but I tend to forget about God when everything is fine, and its not until I'm so low and I can't do anything that I finally come back. 

"Not everything is going to be the way you think it ought to be it seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me." I try to do things on my own, and it just comes back and bites me in the butt. 

"Please say honestly you won't give up on me" 

Yeah, I know I've been on a weird Relient K kick lately but hey its not my fault they're AMAZING! So that's kind of my life in songs right now, I hope you enjoyed it. 

Would You Know

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. If I had stopped saying " I love you " would you still know that I really did love you? I honestly don't want to answer this because I am positive the answer would be no. I am so dependent on those 3 words, and I think I even throw them around like they are nothing, but they are some of the 3 most serious words ever.

We are supposed to show love through not only our words, but mostly our actions. I can honestly say that I don't succeed at this. I never show people my love for them that's why I always tell them. I'm a jerk, and a bully so I don't show it through my actions unfortunately, but I need to.

Actions really do speak louder than words, and my actions need to show my love for people. That's my goal for this week, learn to show my love rather than just say it.

Soft Spots

So, I've noticed that I have these soft spots in my heart. I only have these soft spots for about 3 people, and I'm not sure why. These soft spots make me willing to do anything for these people, they make me love and support them more than I would like to admit. Now don't get me wrong, I love and support everyone I meet, but these 3 people, its different and I don't know why. I don't know what it is about these people that makes me have a soft spot for them. Its not because I pity them or feel bad for them, but I just don't know what it is.

I've also noticed that the friendships I have with these people are very strong at some points but very questionable at others. Maybe its just me twisting things out of proportion, but I feel like some of these friendships are more sensitive. But maybe its these soft spots that are causing me to maybe cling to these friendships more than I should. I'll do anything for these people, and I'll take any crap that the friendship brings up just because of this soft spot.

I don't know why I have this soft spot, and I don't know why I have it for certain people (I think I have it for a lot of people, but these 3 are softer than most). I think these people know who they are, so please, if you know why I have this soft spot for you feel free to tell me.

When I'm This Way, Don't Listen To What I Say

Seriously though, when I'm in these moods, these funks, dealing with these issues, you should NEVER EVER listen to anything I say.

I tend to say things out of anger, confusion, jealousy, stress, and any other emotion you can think of. I've been told that while in my problem stages, while in my funks I should talk to people, communicate, all that good stuff. I on the other hand do not believe that because while in these phases I speak out of painful emotions rather than legitimate thoughts, and uhm that other word having to do with thoughts and brains. I can't think of it, but you know. These emotions that turn into words, they tend to ruin things...a lot of things.

So please don't listen to me during these times, its not me speaking but rather my emotions. I apologize to everyone that I have hurt during this time, and everyone that I might hurt in the future because of these struggles, I truly am so sorry.

Life's A Mess

I'm going to be completely  honest right now, life is a total mess, and I haven't been able to handle it. Usually when things get crazy in life, I can mask my emotions and push it aside, but not this time. I'm not sure why this time is any different, but it is. It reminds me way too much of the times back when I was struggling with life, back 4 years ago. I just can't really deal with it.

If you've been around me the past couple of weeks, you might have noticed I wasn't the same as I usually am, and I apologize for that. I try not to show it, or take it out on people but I'm just so over it that I can't even control it anymore.

Its been rough. Lots of stress with the last few weeks of school (thank God), Having to try to bring my grades up (pray for that miracle), ups and downs with friendships, ups and downs with myself, ups and downs with my faith, and all that other crazy stuff that's been going on.

I've given up on a lot of things in the past few months. I've always told myself that I would never give up on any person no matter what happens between us. Unfortunately, I think I have. I've given up on trying, honestly I've given up on friendships in general. I have never had good luck with friendships, ever. All my friendships tend to break, and the only common factor is me. I break friendships, I'm a curse. I've given up on not only making friends, but being a friend, and having friends.

Right now, I think that's my biggest problem, friends. So, I just want to apologize to all my friends, I haven't given up on you, and I will always be here for you, I've just given up on friendships. I'm sorry...for everything.

I Honestly Don't Mean To

I'm a jerk, I know it, I've accepted it, but I have not dealt with it. Yes, I do treat people like shit, but no I don't do it on purpose. Yes, I am an ass but I honestly don't want to be. I often slip up and act like a jerk, and every time I do, I feel horrible about it and feel like I have to make it up to the person somehow even though I can never make up for the way I treated them.  Yes, I've lost friends because of it, and yes I am disappointed and ashamed. Yes, I often think about what my life would be like if I were nicer to people, and yes I do think it would be better but no I won't fret over what could have been but rather what could be. Yes I do act like a complete douche but no I don't try to. I honestly don't try to, but I don't know why it happens. I'm very surprised I still have friends because nobody should ever be treated the way I treat people. People don't understand how hard I've tried to work on this because trust me it hurts me too. I'm sorry, I'm sorry to everyone that I've treated with disrespect, everyone I've treated badly, everyone I've been a jerk to, heck everyone I've ever talked to. I'm sorry I don't mean to be this way.

Grace Makes Life Not Fair

There is this Relient K song that I randomly heard for the first time in years, and there is this one part of the song that always gets me. Every time I listen to it, there is this one line that sticks to me. "The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair"  What?! What?! Did you get that?

When people think of something being unfair, we think of having an unfair advantage, and it being bad. For example if you're 4' 11 1/2" and you're playing basketball with a guy who's 6' 2" the short kid thinks the game is unfair. Well you see, having something be unfair can sometimes be a good thing especially when it comes to grace.

Now to understand why, you first must understand the definition of grace. Grace--getting what you don't deserve / unmerited favor. So pretty much grace is getting something you don't deserve. We are people, and people are sinners (Romans 3:23), and because we are all sinners, we need to be saved from sin and hell. Thats where Jesus comes in. Jesus came to the Earth to save us (John 3:16). We have been saved! 


You see, we as people are saved even though we don't deserve it because we are sinners. God loved us so much to show us all this amazing grace so that he could see our faces in the kingdom of heaven. If life were fair would we be saved, would we have been shown grace? No because the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. 

Reflection

Well if you didn't know, my birthday was Wednesday and if I was told correctly, that means I am another year older. Well due to the fact that a year is a long time and a lot can happen in a year I figured I should reflect on not only this past year but the past few years.

If you knew me last year you might not see a difference in me because the things that have changed are very subtle. Last year I had some emotional problems, I was lost, I was struggling with myself and my school, I wasn't as stable as I would have liked, and I just was conflicted. My anger acted up, I might have been a little flirtatious with people I shouldn't have been flirtatious with, and I had trouble controlling myself and my brain.

Now birthdays aren't really my thing, honestly they aren't super important to me, I had a bad time with birthdays in the past and I haven't really gotten over that.

If you go back a few tears ago when I was in elementary school and Jr. high you would see that I'm a completely different person.

I used to be shy timid and cared about the opinions of others. I strived for the things that aren't important, I was used by friends, and wasn't able to let go of them when I needed to. More importantly I was depressed and suicidal. Now I know I've said this before but I went through a tough time all by myself without showing it.

You see, birthdays in the past were in my mind, unfortunately another year of life that I had dealt with, and another year of life that I will have to deal with. And it just kind if stuck with me, I don't expect anything from birthdays now because honestly birthdays that consist of nothing are much better than my birthdays that consisted if sad thoughts.

This year I was shown by my best friends that birthdays are to be celebrated. My friends have taught me so much in the past few years, but this, this is something I would have never expected to be taught.

So thank you to everyone who has been in my life the past year I am thankful for everything you've done for me and shown me. I am truly blessed. Birthdays will forever be a celebration of how far I've came.

Surprise!

Well, if you didn't know, today is my birthday. Oh, you didn't know? Thats alright I didn't expect you to know, most people don't and I'm ok with that. Any way, today is my birthday, and a good one at that.

School was like any other day really, nothing exciting there. None of my friends remebered it was my birthday, but like I said, thats ok. My mom made me a lovely dinner of Mac 'N Cheese with bacon bits. Dinner of birthday champions, I know. It was delicious. So off to youth group I went, knowing that they didn't forget (because I got texts from them all day), and knowing that they would boost my sad spirit. Well they did! They threw my a surprise party!

They were amazing NO NO They ARE amazing! They are truly the most amazing people in my life. I got surprised, and bombarded with hugs and happy birthdays and notes/cards. I even cried! YES I CRIED! I cried like 3 times! I Chelsea got emotional! Bet you never saw that coming did you?! It was just amazing! These people are truly my best friends, no doubt about it. My life without them? Yeah, it would be sad and maybe even nonexistant. They remebered! They were the only people that remebered AND they threw me a party.

These people are truly one of the biggest blessings in my life. God has blessed me with some amazing things, but they are one of the best. I truly do love each and everyone of them with all my heart.

History Repeats Itself

You've heard that phrase before that history repeats itself? If you ask any history teacher why we have to learn history, that is most likely their answer. I believe this, and I don't just believe this with history history, I believe this with life, your past, the history of you.

Any who, I tend to go back to my old ways very very often. The best and quickest example is cussing. I used to cuss religiously, horrible habit that took lots of hard work to break, and yes they slip sometimes but thats normal. Oh oh oh here comes history and BOOM! Cussing comes back (Shhh don't tell anyone but sometimes I even do it at church on accident.) 

If you knew me, and the things I've been through you would know that they were rough for me (Others may not think they were rough, but everyone has a different tolerance rate, and have been through different things so its personal.)  Anyway, I went through them. All the depression, the feelings of being unloved, the suicidal thoughts, all that crap for a long time. I got out of it though, I came out of it slowly because I found Christ again.

You know where I'm going eh? (got my Canadian accent going on there sorry 'bout that.) Well here comes history...again, and I'm right back where I was almost 3 years ago. I must say, its not as bad as it was previously, but its there.

You must know your history to get out of the situation when it does repeat itself. Does that make sense? If you know what happened, why it happened, and how you got out of it, you can get out of it again. I know what happened, I know why it happened, and I know how I got out of it. Now, now I just need to get out of it, and I'm working on it.

If you've been around my lately and you've noticed that I've been a little off, that's why. History is repeating itself, and there are some new factors that I'm having to deal with other than the ones I previously mentioned (the depression, suicide, and felling of worthlessness). Please please please keep that in mind, and please please please bare with my as I struggle.

I Have The Best Friends

If you didn't know, most of my friends, or at least my good friends, come from my youth group. As I've said before I have the best youth group in the world. So technically, through some type of math and or distributive property my friends are the best friends in the world. I'll expand.

Youth Group = Awesome 

 & 

Youth Group = Friends 

 So 

Friends = Awesome 

See what I did there? Does that make sense? Now let me expand and explain why I actually do have the best friends in the entire world. 

Like I said, most all of my friends come from my youth group, which in my opinion is a HUGE blessing. See when your friends come from a place like a youth group, you know they're real. You also are all striving for the same thing, to learn about and glorify God. The fact that some of your best friends have a common goal like that, it helps all of us stay on track. For me, they are the first people I go to when I have a problem or just need to talk. I know that their opinions and advice are based on whats best for me and God. To me its just one of those things that makes our friendship stronger. 

I think also because we are Godly people we want to do whats best for each other so we will go out of our way to help and make each other happy. I think that's just a part of it though. I mean because we know God we know what love is and we know how to love and I think we have so much love for each other that it just easily pours out of us. 

We're close, we really are. Other youth groups are no where near as close as we are. Honestly I don't even think we call the events we plan together youth group events its just a bunch of us hanging out. There is a group of about 9 of us that are extremely close and hang out together often. This week is spring break for us, and literally we have seen each other almost everyday. Monday we got together and played grounders at the park. Tuesday we went to the zoo. Wednesday we had youth group. Thursday we went to the beach. Friday we got together and worshiped for Good Friday. I mean that's not just youth group stuff, that's friend stuff. 

An example of how amazing my friends are is today actually. I've been wanting to play badminton lately, but haven't gotten to so I tweeted about  it today and about an hour later I get a call from one of my friends telling me to come outside. BOOM! There they were badminton rackets at hand, singing songs to me and ready to play. I mean these people don't live close to me, but they came out just to play badminton with me! How amazing is that?! 

I just can't get over how amazing my friends are, and how blessed I am to have such a great youth group and group of friends that I love with all my heart. 

Letting Go

Letting go is one of the most difficult things you can ever do (in my opinion) and something I am horrible at. If you know me, you would know that I really can't let anything go. I have a tenancy to hold grudges its something that I honestly don't recommend doing. I also keep a lot of junk, things like old letters that friends have given me, I just I can't throw it away, if you tell me to keep it forever, I will.  The biggest thing I can't let go of is friendships, and I mean real friendships, the type of friendship where you were close with a person, where you trusted them with a lot, you know, those real friends.

I'm in that situation right now, the situation where you need to let go because the other person has, but you just can't bring yourself to do it. I just can't do it! Letting go is different than giving up and not caring, letting go is just I don't even know exactly what it is, but I will always care. This friend means a lot to me, but now that  I know what the situation is, it gives me more proof that I need to let go. I've realized that I care about this person more than they care about me.I like to think that maybe at one point they cared about me almost as much as I cared about them, but they've let go of that and I haven't yet. Thats what keeps dragging me down, I still care more than I should, its become a one person relationship, and those go no where. We've been through a lot, and I've trusted this person with everything (and that doesn't happen often) but I need to let go, I wont EVER stop caring, but I will let go and realize what we don't have.

All These Pretty Things

Sorry for all these random blogs all of a sudden, you must hate it. Any who, I heard this Tenth Avenue North song (great band by the way), and it kind of got me thinking about my life right now.

"Look at all the pretty things that steal my heart away I can feel I'm fading. 'Cause Lord I love so many things that keep me from your face. Come and save me." Really, think about those lyrics. I know for a fact that I'm not the only person that can relate to that. We get so distracted from God and sometimes we even block him out. One thing I know for sure that gets in the way of my view of God is my friends, but more specifically my youth group. A genius friend of mine mentioned that to us. She said I quote (from a tweet) "Its too often that I put the people in my life on a higher pedestal than God, the one who put them there in the first place." I mean God put the things in our life, why are we worshiping them (the things) more than the God, the one that put them there? I mean its normal for things to get in the way of our view of God, we are only human of course, but we need to make sure it happens less often. God should always be the one on the pedestal, not other people or other things.

I guess I've just been doing that in my life too much lately, and I just wanted to share. God is my #1 in my life, but sometimes I, unfortunately, put other things in front of him. Take a listen to the Tenth Avenue North song, really listen to the lyrics.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." -Matthew 6:33 

I'm One Of Those People

Recently I've realized that I'm a specific type of person, and you have to be a certain type of person to put up with me. There are a few things specifically that I have realized. Lets expand.

I'm one of those people that is needy but not all the time. When it comes to some things, such as love, I am needy but other things, I could care less about. I'm one of those people that wants to talk to you, but tries not to bother you (even though I'm pretty sure I do). I'm one of those people that acts like they don't have feelings or emotions, or hard ships, but I do. I'm one of those people that tries to take everyone else's pain and push my own aside. I'm a people pleaser, but I could care less if what I do or say actually makes you happy. I'm me, only sometimes though. I want other people to be happy, even if that means I have to compromise my own happiness.

Even after all that, there's a big one that I wanted to get to. I'm a person that wants to know everything about someone, but makes sure others know very little to nothing about me. I put up walls about who I am, and don't let anyone know much about me. I on the other hand want to know everything about everyone, I will literally sit there for hours asking people questions about themselves, and when they try to ask questions about me I say "no no no, I want to talk about YOU." I'm not one to talk about myself, I'm really not. Try it sometime, you won't have much success, unless I really trust you.

When You Love Someone You Worry

Today my friend and I were talking about how we are worried about each others grades. Understand this, neither of us are super worried about our own grades, but we are more worried about the other persons. I told her not to worry but she did, and her reasoning for this was this "When you love someone you worry about them." First off, you should know that this touched my heart NO NO! It punched my heart with love!

Also God has been moving and working in so many of my friends lives lately. One friend went to camp and was totally moved, she told me it was "life changing" another friend was facing a dilemma in her faith because of her family, but God moved in her life, and helped her with that. He's just been working so much in not only my life but in all of my friends lives and it never fails to amaze me!

This got me thinking about the way that God loves us so much that he worries about us. I mean he loves us so much that 1. He created us, HUGE! 2. He sent his son to our horrible planet where he was treated horribly, we beat him, and killed him. (That doesn't even come close to explaining the way we treated him.) And 3. He died so that we could be saved and live with him for eternity. If that's not true love, I don't know what is. 


He loved us so much that not only did he send his son to die for us, he wrote his love story for us, he wrote us a book to help us grow closer to him, he was worried that we would worry so he prepared us with The Bible, the book that would cause both of us not to worry.

God loved us so much that he prepared us with a book to help us not only with problems we face, but to help us grow closer to him, the God who sent his son to die for us so that we could be saved. Amazing isn't it?

When you love someone you worry about them.

Rock And Worship Roadshow

So Today The Rock and Worship Roadshow tour came to my town. This is the second year I've gone and every year I love it more or just as much. They had amazing bands this year, like always, and they had amazing messages, it was just truly amazing. Oh for those of you who don't know this is a Christian concert tour that travels around the country promoting Christian music and the Gospel. If you have the opportunity I definitely think you should go.

This year was great, we hung out in front of the arena for hours before the concert started, we played games, ate food, and just had a lot of fun. The concert started and every time we all fall in love with the band from a different country. This year the band was from Ireland, and I got to meet them after and they we amazing. Did you know they have a pastry named after me?!

This year, for some reason all of us got extremely emotional, like seriously at some point I'm pretty sure almost everyone from youth cried. I think that's amazing though, I mean it was a side of people that none of us had really seen so I think it was an amazing opportunity for all of us to see that.

There is no doubt about it that God moved us in amazing ways tonight, not only to have us open up to each other, but to open up to him. We are his children, he loves us no matter what struggles we go through, no matter what baggage we have, no matter what our past, he loves us and wants us to find him. A lot of that hit home with me, and I think it hit home for a lot of us. This concert could not have come at a more better time.

I am so blessed to have this opportunity, and I hope that everything not only I experienced, but everyone experienced, will stick with us forever.

People Like Me

You know what breaks my heart? A lot of things, but one thing that really breaks my heart (or at least right now) is the fact that there are people out there like me. Ok that probably sounds weird, but let me explain.

First off, I'm not the best person in the world. I have anger management problems, I'm a jerk, I'm not really easy to get a long with, I'm just not the type of person you really want to be. I tell my friends not to let their kids hang around me because I don't want to influence them in any way.

Second, I've been through a lot of crap in my life. I've been depressed, suicidal, full of regrets, feeling unloved, feeling like your worthless, and just not so great. I honestly hate seeing people like that, and in those type of situations because that is something nobody should ever have to go through.

I've got a few friends that remind me of myself a lot. One of my friends I feel extremely horrible for because shes me in a different persons body. Literally my life story in somebody else. She went through a rough time and I helped her through it. The entire time I helped her through it my heart was breaking for her not just because of what she was going through but the fact that her situation was exactly like mine and I didn't want her to have to go though that.

My other friend has been recently going through some stuff that I have. She has stress and anger and friends that only are there or need her when they're having a problem. I know a lot of people go through that but I just can't help but feel horrible for her. I mean you know that friend that went through the rough time that I just talked about? Welp once things were going good (Or maybe I messed something up) But I got kicked to the curb with no warning at all.

I know what it feels like to go through crap, and I don't want anyone else to have to go through anything that I have. Every time I hear about it, my heart breaks and I think "Why? Why did this amazing person have to be just like me?"