Letting go is one of the most difficult things you can ever do (in my opinion) and something I am horrible at. If you know me, you would know that I really can't let anything go. I have a tenancy to hold grudges its something that I honestly don't recommend doing. I also keep a lot of junk, things like old letters that friends have given me, I just I can't throw it away, if you tell me to keep it forever, I will. The biggest thing I can't let go of is friendships, and I mean real friendships, the type of friendship where you were close with a person, where you trusted them with a lot, you know, those real friends.
I'm in that situation right now, the situation where you need to let go because the other person has, but you just can't bring yourself to do it. I just can't do it! Letting go is different than giving up and not caring, letting go is just I don't even know exactly what it is, but I will always care. This friend means a lot to me, but now that I know what the situation is, it gives me more proof that I need to let go. I've realized that I care about this person more than they care about me.I like to think that maybe at one point they cared about me almost as much as I cared about them, but they've let go of that and I haven't yet. Thats what keeps dragging me down, I still care more than I should, its become a one person relationship, and those go no where. We've been through a lot, and I've trusted this person with everything (and that doesn't happen often) but I need to let go, I wont EVER stop caring, but I will let go and realize what we don't have.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
All These Pretty Things
Sorry for all these random blogs all of a sudden, you must hate it. Any who, I heard this Tenth Avenue North song (great band by the way), and it kind of got me thinking about my life right now.
"Look at all the pretty things that steal my heart away I can feel I'm fading. 'Cause Lord I love so many things that keep me from your face. Come and save me." Really, think about those lyrics. I know for a fact that I'm not the only person that can relate to that. We get so distracted from God and sometimes we even block him out. One thing I know for sure that gets in the way of my view of God is my friends, but more specifically my youth group. A genius friend of mine mentioned that to us. She said I quote (from a tweet) "Its too often that I put the people in my life on a higher pedestal than God, the one who put them there in the first place." I mean God put the things in our life, why are we worshiping them (the things) more than the God, the one that put them there? I mean its normal for things to get in the way of our view of God, we are only human of course, but we need to make sure it happens less often. God should always be the one on the pedestal, not other people or other things.
I guess I've just been doing that in my life too much lately, and I just wanted to share. God is my #1 in my life, but sometimes I, unfortunately, put other things in front of him. Take a listen to the Tenth Avenue North song, really listen to the lyrics.
"Look at all the pretty things that steal my heart away I can feel I'm fading. 'Cause Lord I love so many things that keep me from your face. Come and save me." Really, think about those lyrics. I know for a fact that I'm not the only person that can relate to that. We get so distracted from God and sometimes we even block him out. One thing I know for sure that gets in the way of my view of God is my friends, but more specifically my youth group. A genius friend of mine mentioned that to us. She said I quote (from a tweet) "Its too often that I put the people in my life on a higher pedestal than God, the one who put them there in the first place." I mean God put the things in our life, why are we worshiping them (the things) more than the God, the one that put them there? I mean its normal for things to get in the way of our view of God, we are only human of course, but we need to make sure it happens less often. God should always be the one on the pedestal, not other people or other things.
I guess I've just been doing that in my life too much lately, and I just wanted to share. God is my #1 in my life, but sometimes I, unfortunately, put other things in front of him. Take a listen to the Tenth Avenue North song, really listen to the lyrics.
"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." -Matthew 6:33
Sunday, March 25, 2012
I'm One Of Those People
Recently I've realized that I'm a specific type of person, and you have to be a certain type of person to put up with me. There are a few things specifically that I have realized. Lets expand.
I'm one of those people that is needy but not all the time. When it comes to some things, such as love, I am needy but other things, I could care less about. I'm one of those people that wants to talk to you, but tries not to bother you (even though I'm pretty sure I do). I'm one of those people that acts like they don't have feelings or emotions, or hard ships, but I do. I'm one of those people that tries to take everyone else's pain and push my own aside. I'm a people pleaser, but I could care less if what I do or say actually makes you happy. I'm me, only sometimes though. I want other people to be happy, even if that means I have to compromise my own happiness.
Even after all that, there's a big one that I wanted to get to. I'm a person that wants to know everything about someone, but makes sure others know very little to nothing about me. I put up walls about who I am, and don't let anyone know much about me. I on the other hand want to know everything about everyone, I will literally sit there for hours asking people questions about themselves, and when they try to ask questions about me I say "no no no, I want to talk about YOU." I'm not one to talk about myself, I'm really not. Try it sometime, you won't have much success, unless I really trust you.
I'm one of those people that is needy but not all the time. When it comes to some things, such as love, I am needy but other things, I could care less about. I'm one of those people that wants to talk to you, but tries not to bother you (even though I'm pretty sure I do). I'm one of those people that acts like they don't have feelings or emotions, or hard ships, but I do. I'm one of those people that tries to take everyone else's pain and push my own aside. I'm a people pleaser, but I could care less if what I do or say actually makes you happy. I'm me, only sometimes though. I want other people to be happy, even if that means I have to compromise my own happiness.
Even after all that, there's a big one that I wanted to get to. I'm a person that wants to know everything about someone, but makes sure others know very little to nothing about me. I put up walls about who I am, and don't let anyone know much about me. I on the other hand want to know everything about everyone, I will literally sit there for hours asking people questions about themselves, and when they try to ask questions about me I say "no no no, I want to talk about YOU." I'm not one to talk about myself, I'm really not. Try it sometime, you won't have much success, unless I really trust you.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
When You Love Someone You Worry
Today my friend and I were talking about how we are worried about each others grades. Understand this, neither of us are super worried about our own grades, but we are more worried about the other persons. I told her not to worry but she did, and her reasoning for this was this "When you love someone you worry about them." First off, you should know that this touched my heart NO NO! It punched my heart with love!
Also God has been moving and working in so many of my friends lives lately. One friend went to camp and was totally moved, she told me it was "life changing" another friend was facing a dilemma in her faith because of her family, but God moved in her life, and helped her with that. He's just been working so much in not only my life but in all of my friends lives and it never fails to amaze me!
This got me thinking about the way that God loves us so much that he worries about us. I mean he loves us so much that 1. He created us, HUGE! 2. He sent his son to our horrible planet where he was treated horribly, we beat him, and killed him. (That doesn't even come close to explaining the way we treated him.) And 3. He died so that we could be saved and live with him for eternity. If that's not true love, I don't know what is.
He loved us so much that not only did he send his son to die for us, he wrote his love story for us, he wrote us a book to help us grow closer to him, he was worried that we would worry so he prepared us with The Bible, the book that would cause both of us not to worry.
God loved us so much that he prepared us with a book to help us not only with problems we face, but to help us grow closer to him, the God who sent his son to die for us so that we could be saved. Amazing isn't it?
Also God has been moving and working in so many of my friends lives lately. One friend went to camp and was totally moved, she told me it was "life changing" another friend was facing a dilemma in her faith because of her family, but God moved in her life, and helped her with that. He's just been working so much in not only my life but in all of my friends lives and it never fails to amaze me!
This got me thinking about the way that God loves us so much that he worries about us. I mean he loves us so much that 1. He created us, HUGE! 2. He sent his son to our horrible planet where he was treated horribly, we beat him, and killed him. (That doesn't even come close to explaining the way we treated him.) And 3. He died so that we could be saved and live with him for eternity. If that's not true love, I don't know what is.
He loved us so much that not only did he send his son to die for us, he wrote his love story for us, he wrote us a book to help us grow closer to him, he was worried that we would worry so he prepared us with The Bible, the book that would cause both of us not to worry.
God loved us so much that he prepared us with a book to help us not only with problems we face, but to help us grow closer to him, the God who sent his son to die for us so that we could be saved. Amazing isn't it?
When you love someone you worry about them.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Rock And Worship Roadshow
So Today The Rock and Worship Roadshow tour came to my town. This is the second year I've gone and every year I love it more or just as much. They had amazing bands this year, like always, and they had amazing messages, it was just truly amazing. Oh for those of you who don't know this is a Christian concert tour that travels around the country promoting Christian music and the Gospel. If you have the opportunity I definitely think you should go.
This year was great, we hung out in front of the arena for hours before the concert started, we played games, ate food, and just had a lot of fun. The concert started and every time we all fall in love with the band from a different country. This year the band was from Ireland, and I got to meet them after and they we amazing. Did you know they have a pastry named after me?!
This year, for some reason all of us got extremely emotional, like seriously at some point I'm pretty sure almost everyone from youth cried. I think that's amazing though, I mean it was a side of people that none of us had really seen so I think it was an amazing opportunity for all of us to see that.
There is no doubt about it that God moved us in amazing ways tonight, not only to have us open up to each other, but to open up to him. We are his children, he loves us no matter what struggles we go through, no matter what baggage we have, no matter what our past, he loves us and wants us to find him. A lot of that hit home with me, and I think it hit home for a lot of us. This concert could not have come at a more better time.
I am so blessed to have this opportunity, and I hope that everything not only I experienced, but everyone experienced, will stick with us forever.
This year was great, we hung out in front of the arena for hours before the concert started, we played games, ate food, and just had a lot of fun. The concert started and every time we all fall in love with the band from a different country. This year the band was from Ireland, and I got to meet them after and they we amazing. Did you know they have a pastry named after me?!
This year, for some reason all of us got extremely emotional, like seriously at some point I'm pretty sure almost everyone from youth cried. I think that's amazing though, I mean it was a side of people that none of us had really seen so I think it was an amazing opportunity for all of us to see that.
There is no doubt about it that God moved us in amazing ways tonight, not only to have us open up to each other, but to open up to him. We are his children, he loves us no matter what struggles we go through, no matter what baggage we have, no matter what our past, he loves us and wants us to find him. A lot of that hit home with me, and I think it hit home for a lot of us. This concert could not have come at a more better time.
I am so blessed to have this opportunity, and I hope that everything not only I experienced, but everyone experienced, will stick with us forever.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
People Like Me
You know what breaks my heart? A lot of things, but one thing that really breaks my heart (or at least right now) is the fact that there are people out there like me. Ok that probably sounds weird, but let me explain.
First off, I'm not the best person in the world. I have anger management problems, I'm a jerk, I'm not really easy to get a long with, I'm just not the type of person you really want to be. I tell my friends not to let their kids hang around me because I don't want to influence them in any way.
Second, I've been through a lot of crap in my life. I've been depressed, suicidal, full of regrets, feeling unloved, feeling like your worthless, and just not so great. I honestly hate seeing people like that, and in those type of situations because that is something nobody should ever have to go through.
I've got a few friends that remind me of myself a lot. One of my friends I feel extremely horrible for because shes me in a different persons body. Literally my life story in somebody else. She went through a rough time and I helped her through it. The entire time I helped her through it my heart was breaking for her not just because of what she was going through but the fact that her situation was exactly like mine and I didn't want her to have to go though that.
My other friend has been recently going through some stuff that I have. She has stress and anger and friends that only are there or need her when they're having a problem. I know a lot of people go through that but I just can't help but feel horrible for her. I mean you know that friend that went through the rough time that I just talked about? Welp once things were going good (Or maybe I messed something up) But I got kicked to the curb with no warning at all.
I know what it feels like to go through crap, and I don't want anyone else to have to go through anything that I have. Every time I hear about it, my heart breaks and I think "Why? Why did this amazing person have to be just like me?"
First off, I'm not the best person in the world. I have anger management problems, I'm a jerk, I'm not really easy to get a long with, I'm just not the type of person you really want to be. I tell my friends not to let their kids hang around me because I don't want to influence them in any way.
Second, I've been through a lot of crap in my life. I've been depressed, suicidal, full of regrets, feeling unloved, feeling like your worthless, and just not so great. I honestly hate seeing people like that, and in those type of situations because that is something nobody should ever have to go through.
I've got a few friends that remind me of myself a lot. One of my friends I feel extremely horrible for because shes me in a different persons body. Literally my life story in somebody else. She went through a rough time and I helped her through it. The entire time I helped her through it my heart was breaking for her not just because of what she was going through but the fact that her situation was exactly like mine and I didn't want her to have to go though that.
My other friend has been recently going through some stuff that I have. She has stress and anger and friends that only are there or need her when they're having a problem. I know a lot of people go through that but I just can't help but feel horrible for her. I mean you know that friend that went through the rough time that I just talked about? Welp once things were going good (Or maybe I messed something up) But I got kicked to the curb with no warning at all.
I know what it feels like to go through crap, and I don't want anyone else to have to go through anything that I have. Every time I hear about it, my heart breaks and I think "Why? Why did this amazing person have to be just like me?"
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Fear Of No Love
Well, if you know me or have known me, you would know that I can be a bit sensitive when it comes to love. Now I'm not talking true love or husband and wife love, I'm talking like the love you feel for a best friend or someone you're really close to. It's been really bad lately and I have now clue why. I accuse people of not loving me which is crazy because I am blessed with so many amazing people who really do honestly love me. I mean you kind of have to love me to be around me because lets face it I'm obnoxious.
I'm going to be totally and completely honest with you, I have a fear of not being loved, of not being good enough to be loved, of not being loved in general. I've been pissing people of because of how often I accuse them of not loving me when they really truly do. Its some crazy paranoia that I have and I have no clue why I have it.
Part of me thinks its because for so long I didn't really know what love was, and now that I do I just want more and more to make up for that lost time. While another part of me thinks I think it because I don't love myself the way I should. Or maybe I'm just crazy.
But I want to apologize to everyone who I have hurt, upset, or offended lately, or in the past because of this fear. I really am truly sorry.
"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." -John 15:13
I'm going to be totally and completely honest with you, I have a fear of not being loved, of not being good enough to be loved, of not being loved in general. I've been pissing people of because of how often I accuse them of not loving me when they really truly do. Its some crazy paranoia that I have and I have no clue why I have it.
Part of me thinks its because for so long I didn't really know what love was, and now that I do I just want more and more to make up for that lost time. While another part of me thinks I think it because I don't love myself the way I should. Or maybe I'm just crazy.
But I want to apologize to everyone who I have hurt, upset, or offended lately, or in the past because of this fear. I really am truly sorry.
"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." -John 15:13
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