I'm Afraid

Right now I'm very afraid. I'm afraid that what I've done and said has ruined everything.

• I'm afraid that what I said has made you hate me 
• I'm afraid that what I did has made you hate me 
• I'm afraid that I've lost a friend that meant the world to me 
• I'm afraid that the way I treated you has ruined everything between us 
• I'm afraid that what we used to have is now gone 
• I'm afraid that you have so much anger towards me that you cover it up with love so that I don't know what to think 

I just don't know what to do. I just feel like I've lost you because of the stupid things I said and did. I regret those things everyday, every time I see you, all the time. I so often wish I hadn't of done what I did and I just pray to God that you can forgive me and just tell me if things between us are gone, or broken. I am afraid, but I will ALWAYS ALWAYS love you.

Life In Music

Music is a huge part of most everyone's lives. It puts our emotions, thoughts, and feelings into words when we can't. I just wanted to show my life recently in music, so take a listen.

"I Need You" By Relient K 

I kind of put this as my relationship with God, me needing him so much more than I know now or ever will. My favorite part is when they say:

"I have not been abandoned no I have not been deserted and I have not been forgotten." 

It cries out for me "Someone someone please sine a light into the black wade through the depths and bring me back" 

"Forgiven" By Relient K 

It kind of talks about how "We're all guilty of the same things" but "I know that I have been forgiven"

I have a tough time controlling myself. My thoughts, my words, my actions but "I know that I have been forgiven, and I just hope you can forgive me too."  

"Devastation And Reform" By Relient K 

I can honestly relate to this song. It talks about "I feel like I was born for devastation and reform" Kind of like we can be doing so well in life and then it can all fall apart. But also "Thank you God for giving me the insight so that I might make these wrongs right...'cause failure is a blessing in disguise." It also talks about our sinful nature, going back to that over and over. For me it reminds me of my past, "Its taking me down a road, a road down which I swore I'd never go...I sit thinking of God knows what...'Cause I've got enough problems without creating more." 

"Faking My Own Suicide" By Relient K 

We've all been there. 

"Bite My Tongue" By Relient K 

As you know I have a tough time controlling what I say so this song an totally relate to me. I just need to listen and "Bite My Tongue...Because sometimes I say things that I wish I could take back" 

"I Shall Believe" By Matt Brouwer 

This is actually a Sheryl Crow song, with some lyrics changed for this version. This is just a really good song, and kind of brings me to the place where I need to be. 

"I know you're on to me that I only come home when I'm so alone, but I do believe." Totally sums me up right there! I hate to say it but I tend to forget about God when everything is fine, and its not until I'm so low and I can't do anything that I finally come back. 

"Not everything is going to be the way you think it ought to be it seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me." I try to do things on my own, and it just comes back and bites me in the butt. 

"Please say honestly you won't give up on me" 

Yeah, I know I've been on a weird Relient K kick lately but hey its not my fault they're AMAZING! So that's kind of my life in songs right now, I hope you enjoyed it. 

Would You Know

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. If I had stopped saying " I love you " would you still know that I really did love you? I honestly don't want to answer this because I am positive the answer would be no. I am so dependent on those 3 words, and I think I even throw them around like they are nothing, but they are some of the 3 most serious words ever.

We are supposed to show love through not only our words, but mostly our actions. I can honestly say that I don't succeed at this. I never show people my love for them that's why I always tell them. I'm a jerk, and a bully so I don't show it through my actions unfortunately, but I need to.

Actions really do speak louder than words, and my actions need to show my love for people. That's my goal for this week, learn to show my love rather than just say it.

Soft Spots

So, I've noticed that I have these soft spots in my heart. I only have these soft spots for about 3 people, and I'm not sure why. These soft spots make me willing to do anything for these people, they make me love and support them more than I would like to admit. Now don't get me wrong, I love and support everyone I meet, but these 3 people, its different and I don't know why. I don't know what it is about these people that makes me have a soft spot for them. Its not because I pity them or feel bad for them, but I just don't know what it is.

I've also noticed that the friendships I have with these people are very strong at some points but very questionable at others. Maybe its just me twisting things out of proportion, but I feel like some of these friendships are more sensitive. But maybe its these soft spots that are causing me to maybe cling to these friendships more than I should. I'll do anything for these people, and I'll take any crap that the friendship brings up just because of this soft spot.

I don't know why I have this soft spot, and I don't know why I have it for certain people (I think I have it for a lot of people, but these 3 are softer than most). I think these people know who they are, so please, if you know why I have this soft spot for you feel free to tell me.

When I'm This Way, Don't Listen To What I Say

Seriously though, when I'm in these moods, these funks, dealing with these issues, you should NEVER EVER listen to anything I say.

I tend to say things out of anger, confusion, jealousy, stress, and any other emotion you can think of. I've been told that while in my problem stages, while in my funks I should talk to people, communicate, all that good stuff. I on the other hand do not believe that because while in these phases I speak out of painful emotions rather than legitimate thoughts, and uhm that other word having to do with thoughts and brains. I can't think of it, but you know. These emotions that turn into words, they tend to ruin things...a lot of things.

So please don't listen to me during these times, its not me speaking but rather my emotions. I apologize to everyone that I have hurt during this time, and everyone that I might hurt in the future because of these struggles, I truly am so sorry.

Life's A Mess

I'm going to be completely  honest right now, life is a total mess, and I haven't been able to handle it. Usually when things get crazy in life, I can mask my emotions and push it aside, but not this time. I'm not sure why this time is any different, but it is. It reminds me way too much of the times back when I was struggling with life, back 4 years ago. I just can't really deal with it.

If you've been around me the past couple of weeks, you might have noticed I wasn't the same as I usually am, and I apologize for that. I try not to show it, or take it out on people but I'm just so over it that I can't even control it anymore.

Its been rough. Lots of stress with the last few weeks of school (thank God), Having to try to bring my grades up (pray for that miracle), ups and downs with friendships, ups and downs with myself, ups and downs with my faith, and all that other crazy stuff that's been going on.

I've given up on a lot of things in the past few months. I've always told myself that I would never give up on any person no matter what happens between us. Unfortunately, I think I have. I've given up on trying, honestly I've given up on friendships in general. I have never had good luck with friendships, ever. All my friendships tend to break, and the only common factor is me. I break friendships, I'm a curse. I've given up on not only making friends, but being a friend, and having friends.

Right now, I think that's my biggest problem, friends. So, I just want to apologize to all my friends, I haven't given up on you, and I will always be here for you, I've just given up on friendships. I'm sorry...for everything.

I Honestly Don't Mean To

I'm a jerk, I know it, I've accepted it, but I have not dealt with it. Yes, I do treat people like shit, but no I don't do it on purpose. Yes, I am an ass but I honestly don't want to be. I often slip up and act like a jerk, and every time I do, I feel horrible about it and feel like I have to make it up to the person somehow even though I can never make up for the way I treated them.  Yes, I've lost friends because of it, and yes I am disappointed and ashamed. Yes, I often think about what my life would be like if I were nicer to people, and yes I do think it would be better but no I won't fret over what could have been but rather what could be. Yes I do act like a complete douche but no I don't try to. I honestly don't try to, but I don't know why it happens. I'm very surprised I still have friends because nobody should ever be treated the way I treat people. People don't understand how hard I've tried to work on this because trust me it hurts me too. I'm sorry, I'm sorry to everyone that I've treated with disrespect, everyone I've treated badly, everyone I've been a jerk to, heck everyone I've ever talked to. I'm sorry I don't mean to be this way.

Grace Makes Life Not Fair

There is this Relient K song that I randomly heard for the first time in years, and there is this one part of the song that always gets me. Every time I listen to it, there is this one line that sticks to me. "The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair"  What?! What?! Did you get that?

When people think of something being unfair, we think of having an unfair advantage, and it being bad. For example if you're 4' 11 1/2" and you're playing basketball with a guy who's 6' 2" the short kid thinks the game is unfair. Well you see, having something be unfair can sometimes be a good thing especially when it comes to grace.

Now to understand why, you first must understand the definition of grace. Grace--getting what you don't deserve / unmerited favor. So pretty much grace is getting something you don't deserve. We are people, and people are sinners (Romans 3:23), and because we are all sinners, we need to be saved from sin and hell. Thats where Jesus comes in. Jesus came to the Earth to save us (John 3:16). We have been saved! 


You see, we as people are saved even though we don't deserve it because we are sinners. God loved us so much to show us all this amazing grace so that he could see our faces in the kingdom of heaven. If life were fair would we be saved, would we have been shown grace? No because the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair. 

Reflection

Well if you didn't know, my birthday was Wednesday and if I was told correctly, that means I am another year older. Well due to the fact that a year is a long time and a lot can happen in a year I figured I should reflect on not only this past year but the past few years.

If you knew me last year you might not see a difference in me because the things that have changed are very subtle. Last year I had some emotional problems, I was lost, I was struggling with myself and my school, I wasn't as stable as I would have liked, and I just was conflicted. My anger acted up, I might have been a little flirtatious with people I shouldn't have been flirtatious with, and I had trouble controlling myself and my brain.

Now birthdays aren't really my thing, honestly they aren't super important to me, I had a bad time with birthdays in the past and I haven't really gotten over that.

If you go back a few tears ago when I was in elementary school and Jr. high you would see that I'm a completely different person.

I used to be shy timid and cared about the opinions of others. I strived for the things that aren't important, I was used by friends, and wasn't able to let go of them when I needed to. More importantly I was depressed and suicidal. Now I know I've said this before but I went through a tough time all by myself without showing it.

You see, birthdays in the past were in my mind, unfortunately another year of life that I had dealt with, and another year of life that I will have to deal with. And it just kind if stuck with me, I don't expect anything from birthdays now because honestly birthdays that consist of nothing are much better than my birthdays that consisted if sad thoughts.

This year I was shown by my best friends that birthdays are to be celebrated. My friends have taught me so much in the past few years, but this, this is something I would have never expected to be taught.

So thank you to everyone who has been in my life the past year I am thankful for everything you've done for me and shown me. I am truly blessed. Birthdays will forever be a celebration of how far I've came.

Surprise!

Well, if you didn't know, today is my birthday. Oh, you didn't know? Thats alright I didn't expect you to know, most people don't and I'm ok with that. Any way, today is my birthday, and a good one at that.

School was like any other day really, nothing exciting there. None of my friends remebered it was my birthday, but like I said, thats ok. My mom made me a lovely dinner of Mac 'N Cheese with bacon bits. Dinner of birthday champions, I know. It was delicious. So off to youth group I went, knowing that they didn't forget (because I got texts from them all day), and knowing that they would boost my sad spirit. Well they did! They threw my a surprise party!

They were amazing NO NO They ARE amazing! They are truly the most amazing people in my life. I got surprised, and bombarded with hugs and happy birthdays and notes/cards. I even cried! YES I CRIED! I cried like 3 times! I Chelsea got emotional! Bet you never saw that coming did you?! It was just amazing! These people are truly my best friends, no doubt about it. My life without them? Yeah, it would be sad and maybe even nonexistant. They remebered! They were the only people that remebered AND they threw me a party.

These people are truly one of the biggest blessings in my life. God has blessed me with some amazing things, but they are one of the best. I truly do love each and everyone of them with all my heart.