History Repeats Itself

You've heard that phrase before that history repeats itself? If you ask any history teacher why we have to learn history, that is most likely their answer. I believe this, and I don't just believe this with history history, I believe this with life, your past, the history of you.

Any who, I tend to go back to my old ways very very often. The best and quickest example is cussing. I used to cuss religiously, horrible habit that took lots of hard work to break, and yes they slip sometimes but thats normal. Oh oh oh here comes history and BOOM! Cussing comes back (Shhh don't tell anyone but sometimes I even do it at church on accident.) 

If you knew me, and the things I've been through you would know that they were rough for me (Others may not think they were rough, but everyone has a different tolerance rate, and have been through different things so its personal.)  Anyway, I went through them. All the depression, the feelings of being unloved, the suicidal thoughts, all that crap for a long time. I got out of it though, I came out of it slowly because I found Christ again.

You know where I'm going eh? (got my Canadian accent going on there sorry 'bout that.) Well here comes history...again, and I'm right back where I was almost 3 years ago. I must say, its not as bad as it was previously, but its there.

You must know your history to get out of the situation when it does repeat itself. Does that make sense? If you know what happened, why it happened, and how you got out of it, you can get out of it again. I know what happened, I know why it happened, and I know how I got out of it. Now, now I just need to get out of it, and I'm working on it.

If you've been around my lately and you've noticed that I've been a little off, that's why. History is repeating itself, and there are some new factors that I'm having to deal with other than the ones I previously mentioned (the depression, suicide, and felling of worthlessness). Please please please keep that in mind, and please please please bare with my as I struggle.

I Have The Best Friends

If you didn't know, most of my friends, or at least my good friends, come from my youth group. As I've said before I have the best youth group in the world. So technically, through some type of math and or distributive property my friends are the best friends in the world. I'll expand.

Youth Group = Awesome 

 & 

Youth Group = Friends 

 So 

Friends = Awesome 

See what I did there? Does that make sense? Now let me expand and explain why I actually do have the best friends in the entire world. 

Like I said, most all of my friends come from my youth group, which in my opinion is a HUGE blessing. See when your friends come from a place like a youth group, you know they're real. You also are all striving for the same thing, to learn about and glorify God. The fact that some of your best friends have a common goal like that, it helps all of us stay on track. For me, they are the first people I go to when I have a problem or just need to talk. I know that their opinions and advice are based on whats best for me and God. To me its just one of those things that makes our friendship stronger. 

I think also because we are Godly people we want to do whats best for each other so we will go out of our way to help and make each other happy. I think that's just a part of it though. I mean because we know God we know what love is and we know how to love and I think we have so much love for each other that it just easily pours out of us. 

We're close, we really are. Other youth groups are no where near as close as we are. Honestly I don't even think we call the events we plan together youth group events its just a bunch of us hanging out. There is a group of about 9 of us that are extremely close and hang out together often. This week is spring break for us, and literally we have seen each other almost everyday. Monday we got together and played grounders at the park. Tuesday we went to the zoo. Wednesday we had youth group. Thursday we went to the beach. Friday we got together and worshiped for Good Friday. I mean that's not just youth group stuff, that's friend stuff. 

An example of how amazing my friends are is today actually. I've been wanting to play badminton lately, but haven't gotten to so I tweeted about  it today and about an hour later I get a call from one of my friends telling me to come outside. BOOM! There they were badminton rackets at hand, singing songs to me and ready to play. I mean these people don't live close to me, but they came out just to play badminton with me! How amazing is that?! 

I just can't get over how amazing my friends are, and how blessed I am to have such a great youth group and group of friends that I love with all my heart. 

Letting Go

Letting go is one of the most difficult things you can ever do (in my opinion) and something I am horrible at. If you know me, you would know that I really can't let anything go. I have a tenancy to hold grudges its something that I honestly don't recommend doing. I also keep a lot of junk, things like old letters that friends have given me, I just I can't throw it away, if you tell me to keep it forever, I will.  The biggest thing I can't let go of is friendships, and I mean real friendships, the type of friendship where you were close with a person, where you trusted them with a lot, you know, those real friends.

I'm in that situation right now, the situation where you need to let go because the other person has, but you just can't bring yourself to do it. I just can't do it! Letting go is different than giving up and not caring, letting go is just I don't even know exactly what it is, but I will always care. This friend means a lot to me, but now that  I know what the situation is, it gives me more proof that I need to let go. I've realized that I care about this person more than they care about me.I like to think that maybe at one point they cared about me almost as much as I cared about them, but they've let go of that and I haven't yet. Thats what keeps dragging me down, I still care more than I should, its become a one person relationship, and those go no where. We've been through a lot, and I've trusted this person with everything (and that doesn't happen often) but I need to let go, I wont EVER stop caring, but I will let go and realize what we don't have.

All These Pretty Things

Sorry for all these random blogs all of a sudden, you must hate it. Any who, I heard this Tenth Avenue North song (great band by the way), and it kind of got me thinking about my life right now.

"Look at all the pretty things that steal my heart away I can feel I'm fading. 'Cause Lord I love so many things that keep me from your face. Come and save me." Really, think about those lyrics. I know for a fact that I'm not the only person that can relate to that. We get so distracted from God and sometimes we even block him out. One thing I know for sure that gets in the way of my view of God is my friends, but more specifically my youth group. A genius friend of mine mentioned that to us. She said I quote (from a tweet) "Its too often that I put the people in my life on a higher pedestal than God, the one who put them there in the first place." I mean God put the things in our life, why are we worshiping them (the things) more than the God, the one that put them there? I mean its normal for things to get in the way of our view of God, we are only human of course, but we need to make sure it happens less often. God should always be the one on the pedestal, not other people or other things.

I guess I've just been doing that in my life too much lately, and I just wanted to share. God is my #1 in my life, but sometimes I, unfortunately, put other things in front of him. Take a listen to the Tenth Avenue North song, really listen to the lyrics.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." -Matthew 6:33 

I'm One Of Those People

Recently I've realized that I'm a specific type of person, and you have to be a certain type of person to put up with me. There are a few things specifically that I have realized. Lets expand.

I'm one of those people that is needy but not all the time. When it comes to some things, such as love, I am needy but other things, I could care less about. I'm one of those people that wants to talk to you, but tries not to bother you (even though I'm pretty sure I do). I'm one of those people that acts like they don't have feelings or emotions, or hard ships, but I do. I'm one of those people that tries to take everyone else's pain and push my own aside. I'm a people pleaser, but I could care less if what I do or say actually makes you happy. I'm me, only sometimes though. I want other people to be happy, even if that means I have to compromise my own happiness.

Even after all that, there's a big one that I wanted to get to. I'm a person that wants to know everything about someone, but makes sure others know very little to nothing about me. I put up walls about who I am, and don't let anyone know much about me. I on the other hand want to know everything about everyone, I will literally sit there for hours asking people questions about themselves, and when they try to ask questions about me I say "no no no, I want to talk about YOU." I'm not one to talk about myself, I'm really not. Try it sometime, you won't have much success, unless I really trust you.

When You Love Someone You Worry

Today my friend and I were talking about how we are worried about each others grades. Understand this, neither of us are super worried about our own grades, but we are more worried about the other persons. I told her not to worry but she did, and her reasoning for this was this "When you love someone you worry about them." First off, you should know that this touched my heart NO NO! It punched my heart with love!

Also God has been moving and working in so many of my friends lives lately. One friend went to camp and was totally moved, she told me it was "life changing" another friend was facing a dilemma in her faith because of her family, but God moved in her life, and helped her with that. He's just been working so much in not only my life but in all of my friends lives and it never fails to amaze me!

This got me thinking about the way that God loves us so much that he worries about us. I mean he loves us so much that 1. He created us, HUGE! 2. He sent his son to our horrible planet where he was treated horribly, we beat him, and killed him. (That doesn't even come close to explaining the way we treated him.) And 3. He died so that we could be saved and live with him for eternity. If that's not true love, I don't know what is. 


He loved us so much that not only did he send his son to die for us, he wrote his love story for us, he wrote us a book to help us grow closer to him, he was worried that we would worry so he prepared us with The Bible, the book that would cause both of us not to worry.

God loved us so much that he prepared us with a book to help us not only with problems we face, but to help us grow closer to him, the God who sent his son to die for us so that we could be saved. Amazing isn't it?

When you love someone you worry about them.

Rock And Worship Roadshow

So Today The Rock and Worship Roadshow tour came to my town. This is the second year I've gone and every year I love it more or just as much. They had amazing bands this year, like always, and they had amazing messages, it was just truly amazing. Oh for those of you who don't know this is a Christian concert tour that travels around the country promoting Christian music and the Gospel. If you have the opportunity I definitely think you should go.

This year was great, we hung out in front of the arena for hours before the concert started, we played games, ate food, and just had a lot of fun. The concert started and every time we all fall in love with the band from a different country. This year the band was from Ireland, and I got to meet them after and they we amazing. Did you know they have a pastry named after me?!

This year, for some reason all of us got extremely emotional, like seriously at some point I'm pretty sure almost everyone from youth cried. I think that's amazing though, I mean it was a side of people that none of us had really seen so I think it was an amazing opportunity for all of us to see that.

There is no doubt about it that God moved us in amazing ways tonight, not only to have us open up to each other, but to open up to him. We are his children, he loves us no matter what struggles we go through, no matter what baggage we have, no matter what our past, he loves us and wants us to find him. A lot of that hit home with me, and I think it hit home for a lot of us. This concert could not have come at a more better time.

I am so blessed to have this opportunity, and I hope that everything not only I experienced, but everyone experienced, will stick with us forever.