People Problem

I have this problem with people where when I start to get close to them everything falls apart. That has happened to me a lot lately in the past year and especially in the past few months. It seem like the people I love and don't want to lose the most are always the people I tend to lose. I'm one of those people that blames everything on myself so to me all of this is my fault, everything that has happened to make me lose them...my fault losing them is my fault, and I beat myself up for it. I want to stop losing people and part of me feels like I should just stop meeting people because I know I'll just lose them.

Church Visits!

Well, today I went and visited a new church and man was it an experience! Uhm if you didn't know this recently I've been a little out of my faith, and just kind of all over the place with it so I decided I needed to do something about it. I love my church, don't get me wrong, I love it but it just hasn't been the same lately and I haven't been growing in my relationship with God. So, recently I met some new friends and they invited me to church and I thought "Well since I have been kind of looking for a new church I could give this a try I mean I'll know people so that's good and maybe it'll help me."

Now, I go to a small church with a small group of people (Its a big day if we have 25 people there) and its good being small. I'm very close with all of them and I love everyone of them with all my heart but like I said, things haven't been the same. This church was HUGE like there were so many people it was a little overwhelming. BUT there was some good, actually a good amount of good.

I LOVE worship. That might come as a surprise because 1. I can't sing for the life of me and 2. I am a little ashamed of my voice and don't sing in front of people. I loved the worship at this church, it was loud, they were great songs, and everyone was super into it. I also have a bit of an attention problem so its really difficult for me to listen to and grasp long sermons (which is what the sermons at my church usually are) fortunately the ones at this church were short, sweet, got right to the point, and hit the heart.

I really liked this church, I did. I liked 1. the worship and 2. the short sermons. This was a good experince for me, and I think I might start attending it more.

Hope And A Wrecking Ball

This song completely describes me right now, both of them do. Please take a listen, they're really good songs, and this is a really good band . (Its not Relient K this time! Surprised?)

"Save My Life" By: The Sidewalk Prophets

"Tell me what I need to hear, tell me that I'm not forgotten"  

"Behind this smile I'm just like you. Afraid and tired and insecure"

"Right now I need a little hope I need to know I'm not alone" 

"Show me there's a God who can be more than I've ever wanted"

"If you look me right in the eye would you see the real me inside would you take the time to save my life?" 

"Wrecking Ball" By: The Sidewalk Prophets 

This is what I need right now 

"I need to rip out this old tree"

"I've tried so hard to pull them out on my own they take the best of me"

"I need a wrecking ball slamming inside my heart breaking me all apart. Tearing the old away. Killing the fear in me until I can finally breath." 

"You long for me to see when I get lost along the path you will fight to bring me back." 

"Take it all let me fall into your hands" 

I apologize for all these songs, but I have found so many songs that can describe me right now that I just had to share. 

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

Well, this blog might be a little confusing and I want to apologize ahead of time for that. So lately I've been a little strange and confusing actually I've been off and on like that for probably at least 6 months. I've been in this weird  "phase" for a while and it can change me into a person that I'm actually not.

I get into these weird phases and I become am person that I'm not. I use this other me as a defense mechanism, its like my personal wall that people unfortunately think is me. I have become known as this "wall Chelsea" the fake Chelsea. I just don't want people to know who I am and where I am because then you'll see the "soft" Chelsea, the Chelsea that is in a place in her life that she is ashamed of and the sad state that shes in.

I can pinpoint the times in my life that have brought me into these phases, I can see the lines that I crossed, I can relive all of that in my mind, those are the moments I wish I could take back. I'm sorry that all of you know the horrible person I become and became when I get into these "phases" because that's not me. Unfortunately I'm living my life in that phase, as that Chelsea.

I'm sorry that its taking so long for me to show the real me, and become the real Chelsea. I never ever wanted to be this person, but I've been given multiple chances to get out of this fake Chelsea, I just need to start taking them. I'm sorry, I really am.

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" Relient K

" 'Cause I don't want you to know where I am 'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state its ever been. This is no place to try and live my life."

"I'm sorry for the person I became I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change I'm ready be sure I never become that way again 'cause who I am hates who I've been." 

"Who I've been only ever made me." 

Its just a really good song that REALLY kind of describes me right now. Take a really good listen to the lyrics and then you'll start to understand whats happening and why I'm this way. 

I'm Afraid

Right now I'm very afraid. I'm afraid that what I've done and said has ruined everything.

• I'm afraid that what I said has made you hate me 
• I'm afraid that what I did has made you hate me 
• I'm afraid that I've lost a friend that meant the world to me 
• I'm afraid that the way I treated you has ruined everything between us 
• I'm afraid that what we used to have is now gone 
• I'm afraid that you have so much anger towards me that you cover it up with love so that I don't know what to think 

I just don't know what to do. I just feel like I've lost you because of the stupid things I said and did. I regret those things everyday, every time I see you, all the time. I so often wish I hadn't of done what I did and I just pray to God that you can forgive me and just tell me if things between us are gone, or broken. I am afraid, but I will ALWAYS ALWAYS love you.

Life In Music

Music is a huge part of most everyone's lives. It puts our emotions, thoughts, and feelings into words when we can't. I just wanted to show my life recently in music, so take a listen.

"I Need You" By Relient K 

I kind of put this as my relationship with God, me needing him so much more than I know now or ever will. My favorite part is when they say:

"I have not been abandoned no I have not been deserted and I have not been forgotten." 

It cries out for me "Someone someone please sine a light into the black wade through the depths and bring me back" 

"Forgiven" By Relient K 

It kind of talks about how "We're all guilty of the same things" but "I know that I have been forgiven"

I have a tough time controlling myself. My thoughts, my words, my actions but "I know that I have been forgiven, and I just hope you can forgive me too."  

"Devastation And Reform" By Relient K 

I can honestly relate to this song. It talks about "I feel like I was born for devastation and reform" Kind of like we can be doing so well in life and then it can all fall apart. But also "Thank you God for giving me the insight so that I might make these wrongs right...'cause failure is a blessing in disguise." It also talks about our sinful nature, going back to that over and over. For me it reminds me of my past, "Its taking me down a road, a road down which I swore I'd never go...I sit thinking of God knows what...'Cause I've got enough problems without creating more." 

"Faking My Own Suicide" By Relient K 

We've all been there. 

"Bite My Tongue" By Relient K 

As you know I have a tough time controlling what I say so this song an totally relate to me. I just need to listen and "Bite My Tongue...Because sometimes I say things that I wish I could take back" 

"I Shall Believe" By Matt Brouwer 

This is actually a Sheryl Crow song, with some lyrics changed for this version. This is just a really good song, and kind of brings me to the place where I need to be. 

"I know you're on to me that I only come home when I'm so alone, but I do believe." Totally sums me up right there! I hate to say it but I tend to forget about God when everything is fine, and its not until I'm so low and I can't do anything that I finally come back. 

"Not everything is going to be the way you think it ought to be it seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me." I try to do things on my own, and it just comes back and bites me in the butt. 

"Please say honestly you won't give up on me" 

Yeah, I know I've been on a weird Relient K kick lately but hey its not my fault they're AMAZING! So that's kind of my life in songs right now, I hope you enjoyed it. 

Would You Know

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. If I had stopped saying " I love you " would you still know that I really did love you? I honestly don't want to answer this because I am positive the answer would be no. I am so dependent on those 3 words, and I think I even throw them around like they are nothing, but they are some of the 3 most serious words ever.

We are supposed to show love through not only our words, but mostly our actions. I can honestly say that I don't succeed at this. I never show people my love for them that's why I always tell them. I'm a jerk, and a bully so I don't show it through my actions unfortunately, but I need to.

Actions really do speak louder than words, and my actions need to show my love for people. That's my goal for this week, learn to show my love rather than just say it.