Seriously though, when I'm in these moods, these funks, dealing with these issues, you should NEVER EVER listen to anything I say.
I tend to say things out of anger, confusion, jealousy, stress, and any other emotion you can think of. I've been told that while in my problem stages, while in my funks I should talk to people, communicate, all that good stuff. I on the other hand do not believe that because while in these phases I speak out of painful emotions rather than legitimate thoughts, and uhm that other word having to do with thoughts and brains. I can't think of it, but you know. These emotions that turn into words, they tend to ruin things...a lot of things.
So please don't listen to me during these times, its not me speaking but rather my emotions. I apologize to everyone that I have hurt during this time, and everyone that I might hurt in the future because of these struggles, I truly am so sorry.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Life's A Mess
I'm going to be completely honest right now, life is a total mess, and I haven't been able to handle it. Usually when things get crazy in life, I can mask my emotions and push it aside, but not this time. I'm not sure why this time is any different, but it is. It reminds me way too much of the times back when I was struggling with life, back 4 years ago. I just can't really deal with it.
If you've been around me the past couple of weeks, you might have noticed I wasn't the same as I usually am, and I apologize for that. I try not to show it, or take it out on people but I'm just so over it that I can't even control it anymore.
Its been rough. Lots of stress with the last few weeks of school (thank God), Having to try to bring my grades up (pray for that miracle), ups and downs with friendships, ups and downs with myself, ups and downs with my faith, and all that other crazy stuff that's been going on.
I've given up on a lot of things in the past few months. I've always told myself that I would never give up on any person no matter what happens between us. Unfortunately, I think I have. I've given up on trying, honestly I've given up on friendships in general. I have never had good luck with friendships, ever. All my friendships tend to break, and the only common factor is me. I break friendships, I'm a curse. I've given up on not only making friends, but being a friend, and having friends.
Right now, I think that's my biggest problem, friends. So, I just want to apologize to all my friends, I haven't given up on you, and I will always be here for you, I've just given up on friendships. I'm sorry...for everything.
If you've been around me the past couple of weeks, you might have noticed I wasn't the same as I usually am, and I apologize for that. I try not to show it, or take it out on people but I'm just so over it that I can't even control it anymore.
Its been rough. Lots of stress with the last few weeks of school (thank God), Having to try to bring my grades up (pray for that miracle), ups and downs with friendships, ups and downs with myself, ups and downs with my faith, and all that other crazy stuff that's been going on.
I've given up on a lot of things in the past few months. I've always told myself that I would never give up on any person no matter what happens between us. Unfortunately, I think I have. I've given up on trying, honestly I've given up on friendships in general. I have never had good luck with friendships, ever. All my friendships tend to break, and the only common factor is me. I break friendships, I'm a curse. I've given up on not only making friends, but being a friend, and having friends.
Right now, I think that's my biggest problem, friends. So, I just want to apologize to all my friends, I haven't given up on you, and I will always be here for you, I've just given up on friendships. I'm sorry...for everything.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
I Honestly Don't Mean To
I'm a jerk, I know it, I've accepted it, but I have not dealt with it. Yes, I do treat people like shit, but no I don't do it on purpose. Yes, I am an ass but I honestly don't want to be. I often slip up and act like a jerk, and every time I do, I feel horrible about it and feel like I have to make it up to the person somehow even though I can never make up for the way I treated them. Yes, I've lost friends because of it, and yes I am disappointed and ashamed. Yes, I often think about what my life would be like if I were nicer to people, and yes I do think it would be better but no I won't fret over what could have been but rather what could be. Yes I do act like a complete douche but no I don't try to. I honestly don't try to, but I don't know why it happens. I'm very surprised I still have friends because nobody should ever be treated the way I treat people. People don't understand how hard I've tried to work on this because trust me it hurts me too. I'm sorry, I'm sorry to everyone that I've treated with disrespect, everyone I've treated badly, everyone I've been a jerk to, heck everyone I've ever talked to. I'm sorry I don't mean to be this way.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Grace Makes Life Not Fair
There is this Relient K song that I randomly heard for the first time in years, and there is this one part of the song that always gets me. Every time I listen to it, there is this one line that sticks to me. "The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair" What?! What?! Did you get that?
When people think of something being unfair, we think of having an unfair advantage, and it being bad. For example if you're 4' 11 1/2" and you're playing basketball with a guy who's 6' 2" the short kid thinks the game is unfair. Well you see, having something be unfair can sometimes be a good thing especially when it comes to grace.
Now to understand why, you first must understand the definition of grace. Grace--getting what you don't deserve / unmerited favor. So pretty much grace is getting something you don't deserve. We are people, and people are sinners (Romans 3:23), and because we are all sinners, we need to be saved from sin and hell. Thats where Jesus comes in. Jesus came to the Earth to save us (John 3:16). We have been saved!
You see, we as people are saved even though we don't deserve it because we are sinners. God loved us so much to show us all this amazing grace so that he could see our faces in the kingdom of heaven. If life were fair would we be saved, would we have been shown grace? No because the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
When people think of something being unfair, we think of having an unfair advantage, and it being bad. For example if you're 4' 11 1/2" and you're playing basketball with a guy who's 6' 2" the short kid thinks the game is unfair. Well you see, having something be unfair can sometimes be a good thing especially when it comes to grace.
Now to understand why, you first must understand the definition of grace. Grace--getting what you don't deserve / unmerited favor. So pretty much grace is getting something you don't deserve. We are people, and people are sinners (Romans 3:23), and because we are all sinners, we need to be saved from sin and hell. Thats where Jesus comes in. Jesus came to the Earth to save us (John 3:16). We have been saved!
You see, we as people are saved even though we don't deserve it because we are sinners. God loved us so much to show us all this amazing grace so that he could see our faces in the kingdom of heaven. If life were fair would we be saved, would we have been shown grace? No because the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Reflection
Well if you didn't know, my birthday was Wednesday and if I was told correctly, that means I am another year older. Well due to the fact that a year is a long time and a lot can happen in a year I figured I should reflect on not only this past year but the past few years.
If you knew me last year you might not see a difference in me because the things that have changed are very subtle. Last year I had some emotional problems, I was lost, I was struggling with myself and my school, I wasn't as stable as I would have liked, and I just was conflicted. My anger acted up, I might have been a little flirtatious with people I shouldn't have been flirtatious with, and I had trouble controlling myself and my brain.
Now birthdays aren't really my thing, honestly they aren't super important to me, I had a bad time with birthdays in the past and I haven't really gotten over that.
If you go back a few tears ago when I was in elementary school and Jr. high you would see that I'm a completely different person.
I used to be shy timid and cared about the opinions of others. I strived for the things that aren't important, I was used by friends, and wasn't able to let go of them when I needed to. More importantly I was depressed and suicidal. Now I know I've said this before but I went through a tough time all by myself without showing it.
You see, birthdays in the past were in my mind, unfortunately another year of life that I had dealt with, and another year of life that I will have to deal with. And it just kind if stuck with me, I don't expect anything from birthdays now because honestly birthdays that consist of nothing are much better than my birthdays that consisted if sad thoughts.
This year I was shown by my best friends that birthdays are to be celebrated. My friends have taught me so much in the past few years, but this, this is something I would have never expected to be taught.
So thank you to everyone who has been in my life the past year I am thankful for everything you've done for me and shown me. I am truly blessed. Birthdays will forever be a celebration of how far I've came.
If you knew me last year you might not see a difference in me because the things that have changed are very subtle. Last year I had some emotional problems, I was lost, I was struggling with myself and my school, I wasn't as stable as I would have liked, and I just was conflicted. My anger acted up, I might have been a little flirtatious with people I shouldn't have been flirtatious with, and I had trouble controlling myself and my brain.
Now birthdays aren't really my thing, honestly they aren't super important to me, I had a bad time with birthdays in the past and I haven't really gotten over that.
If you go back a few tears ago when I was in elementary school and Jr. high you would see that I'm a completely different person.
I used to be shy timid and cared about the opinions of others. I strived for the things that aren't important, I was used by friends, and wasn't able to let go of them when I needed to. More importantly I was depressed and suicidal. Now I know I've said this before but I went through a tough time all by myself without showing it.
You see, birthdays in the past were in my mind, unfortunately another year of life that I had dealt with, and another year of life that I will have to deal with. And it just kind if stuck with me, I don't expect anything from birthdays now because honestly birthdays that consist of nothing are much better than my birthdays that consisted if sad thoughts.
This year I was shown by my best friends that birthdays are to be celebrated. My friends have taught me so much in the past few years, but this, this is something I would have never expected to be taught.
So thank you to everyone who has been in my life the past year I am thankful for everything you've done for me and shown me. I am truly blessed. Birthdays will forever be a celebration of how far I've came.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Surprise!
Well, if you didn't know, today is my birthday. Oh, you didn't know? Thats alright I didn't expect you to know, most people don't and I'm ok with that. Any way, today is my birthday, and a good one at that.
School was like any other day really, nothing exciting there. None of my friends remebered it was my birthday, but like I said, thats ok. My mom made me a lovely dinner of Mac 'N Cheese with bacon bits. Dinner of birthday champions, I know. It was delicious. So off to youth group I went, knowing that they didn't forget (because I got texts from them all day), and knowing that they would boost my sad spirit. Well they did! They threw my a surprise party!
They were amazing NO NO They ARE amazing! They are truly the most amazing people in my life. I got surprised, and bombarded with hugs and happy birthdays and notes/cards. I even cried! YES I CRIED! I cried like 3 times! I Chelsea got emotional! Bet you never saw that coming did you?! It was just amazing! These people are truly my best friends, no doubt about it. My life without them? Yeah, it would be sad and maybe even nonexistant. They remebered! They were the only people that remebered AND they threw me a party.
These people are truly one of the biggest blessings in my life. God has blessed me with some amazing things, but they are one of the best. I truly do love each and everyone of them with all my heart.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
History Repeats Itself
You've heard that phrase before that history repeats itself? If you ask any history teacher why we have to learn history, that is most likely their answer. I believe this, and I don't just believe this with history history, I believe this with life, your past, the history of you.
Any who, I tend to go back to my old ways very very often. The best and quickest example is cussing. I used to cuss religiously, horrible habit that took lots of hard work to break, and yes they slip sometimes but thats normal. Oh oh oh here comes history and BOOM! Cussing comes back (Shhh don't tell anyone but sometimes I even do it at church on accident.)
If you knew me, and the things I've been through you would know that they were rough for me (Others may not think they were rough, but everyone has a different tolerance rate, and have been through different things so its personal.) Anyway, I went through them. All the depression, the feelings of being unloved, the suicidal thoughts, all that crap for a long time. I got out of it though, I came out of it slowly because I found Christ again.
You know where I'm going eh? (got my Canadian accent going on there sorry 'bout that.) Well here comes history...again, and I'm right back where I was almost 3 years ago. I must say, its not as bad as it was previously, but its there.
You must know your history to get out of the situation when it does repeat itself. Does that make sense? If you know what happened, why it happened, and how you got out of it, you can get out of it again. I know what happened, I know why it happened, and I know how I got out of it. Now, now I just need to get out of it, and I'm working on it.
If you've been around my lately and you've noticed that I've been a little off, that's why. History is repeating itself, and there are some new factors that I'm having to deal with other than the ones I previously mentioned (the depression, suicide, and felling of worthlessness). Please please please keep that in mind, and please please please bare with my as I struggle.
Any who, I tend to go back to my old ways very very often. The best and quickest example is cussing. I used to cuss religiously, horrible habit that took lots of hard work to break, and yes they slip sometimes but thats normal. Oh oh oh here comes history and BOOM! Cussing comes back (Shhh don't tell anyone but sometimes I even do it at church on accident.)
If you knew me, and the things I've been through you would know that they were rough for me (Others may not think they were rough, but everyone has a different tolerance rate, and have been through different things so its personal.) Anyway, I went through them. All the depression, the feelings of being unloved, the suicidal thoughts, all that crap for a long time. I got out of it though, I came out of it slowly because I found Christ again.
You know where I'm going eh? (got my Canadian accent going on there sorry 'bout that.) Well here comes history...again, and I'm right back where I was almost 3 years ago. I must say, its not as bad as it was previously, but its there.
You must know your history to get out of the situation when it does repeat itself. Does that make sense? If you know what happened, why it happened, and how you got out of it, you can get out of it again. I know what happened, I know why it happened, and I know how I got out of it. Now, now I just need to get out of it, and I'm working on it.
If you've been around my lately and you've noticed that I've been a little off, that's why. History is repeating itself, and there are some new factors that I'm having to deal with other than the ones I previously mentioned (the depression, suicide, and felling of worthlessness). Please please please keep that in mind, and please please please bare with my as I struggle.
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